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Poll: Worst Christmas Song Ever?

Icke reptilian

Ho ho HO! Sssss.....

Before I get down to dissecting a serious musical horror that even HP Lovecraft could not have composed, let me say: I love Christmas and I love Christmas music. Most of it, anyways. The melodies for Greensleeves and Silent Night would give me goosebumps whether I was Christian, Buddhist, or even one of David Icke’s bloodthirsty reptilians from the dimension of madness. Others, like the Little Drummer Boy song, drone on and on for far too long, and that stupid “Christmas Time Is Here song by the Chipmunks is atrocious on every level.

But there is something else out there that is far, far worse. A Christmas carol so dismal that if every stereo on Earth were to play it simultaneously, I have no doubt that the Sun would plummet into the sea and that, as they say, would be that. Perhaps that is the reptilian’s plan.

chuck norris firewalker

Chuck!

In a moment I’m going to show you a video of The Cat Carol. If an aspiring composer escaped from a mental institution, was tormented by elaborate visions of fanged Care Bears that constantly nipped at his heels and whispered lunacy in his ear, then he got syphilis and his brain started to rot, then he got staked out in the Gobi desert for a year with nothing but his own melting eyes for hydration, and then he was rescued by Chuck Norris who happened to have a toy guitar in the back of the tank he had arrived in, and the guitar was filled with Absinthe that he hit pretty hard for the next year…you’d have something about half as bad as The Cat Carol.

Do not watch this too many times or you will become a danger to yourself and others. If the worst Christmas song gets stuck in your head you are done for. Good luck.

Oh, any other bad Christmas songs that really set your teeth on edge? The worst Christmas songs in the history of history?

Josh

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Comments on this entry are closed.

  • John Sifferman November 24, 2010, 1:56 pm

    You’re right, Josh. That’s pretty bad. I didn’t last 15 seconds, and it wasn’t getting better as I skipped ahead.

    I enjoy a lot of Christmas music, but I can’t stand Santa Baby by Madonna – drives me crazy every time it’s on the radio, which is all the time.

    *shuddering*

  • Pauline November 24, 2010, 2:07 pm

    Right Josh, totally maudlin.

  • k.sol November 24, 2010, 2:46 pm

    Thank goodness for the words, so I could fast forward and get the gist of it. Now, if you all will excuse me, I must go gouge out the part of my brain where the memory of this song is stored.

    • Josh Hanagarne November 24, 2010, 5:10 pm

      Now now now, I have it on good authority that this song resides in 99% of the brain. Be careful with your gouger.

      • k.sol November 24, 2010, 6:21 pm

        Worth every brain cell gouged….

  • delta waters November 25, 2010, 7:50 am

    anything by johnny mathis…my mom loved him and played the records ad nauseam…ooh, i just threw up a little in my mouth.

  • Todd@PhitZone November 25, 2010, 9:05 am

    That made my head hurt, and my wife say, “ahhhhhh” at the thought of the poor little catsicle.

  • Michael Stagg | Stagg Solutions November 25, 2010, 10:58 am

    Yeah, that was…interesting. In a point blank range 100 x kamahamaha blast to the face from Goku followed by Krillin’s whining unceasingly in your ear for an hour kind of way (Sorry, I’ve been watching Dragonball Z again.) 🙂

    the only song I can think of that use to annoy the heck out me was “Blue Christmas” by Porky Pig. Enjoy and Happy Thanksgiving!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MUELu8o5KJg

  • Brent Partner November 25, 2010, 11:15 pm

    I don’t think even Chuck Norris could stand an extended exposure to the Cat Carol. I don’t think even he could roundhouse his way to freedom…

  • David Cain November 27, 2010, 7:24 pm

    “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” is pretty lame. Also, “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” makes me want to hurl fruitcakes.

    I didn’t listen to the cat song. I just can’t see how I could possibly be glad I did.

  • Heather December 1, 2010, 9:59 am

    Josh,
    I couldn’t get the cat song going because the state BOE blocked it, but I’m sure it’s atrocious. Another one I hate-hate-hate—“(It’s the Most) Wonderful Time of the Year.” I just want to punch someone every time I hear it. I also hate “I’m Gettin’ Nutt’n fer Christmas,” which is about some rotten-a$$ kid who doesn’t deserve anything anyway. One that I aboslutely LOVE though–“I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas”. Not only is it funny, but come on–this kid wants a hippo for Christmas. That’s one cool kid! I’d want to hang out with that kid just to see the hippo.

  • Eric December 1, 2010, 2:46 pm

    My thoughts on some of the worst, here: http://indiealbany.com/2010/11/30/grinching/

  • Rob O. December 20, 2010, 11:12 am

    I cringe every time I hear that horrendous “Feliz Navidad” by Jose Feliciano. I have great respect for the man’s guitar chops, but that song blows massive chunks!

    But if I’m going to bitch about the bad, I hafta also praise the good. My absolute fave Christmas song this year is “O Come, O Come Emmanuel.” It’s beautiful regardless of who performs it.