Before I get down to dissecting a serious musical horror that even HP Lovecraft could not have composed, let me say: I love Christmas and I love Christmas music. Most of it, anyways. The melodies for Greensleeves and Silent Night would give me goosebumps whether I was Christian, Buddhist, or even one of David Icke’s bloodthirsty reptilians from the dimension of madness. Others, like the Little Drummer Boy song, drone on and on for far too long, and that stupid “Christmas Time Is Here song by the Chipmunks is atrocious on every level.
But there is something else out there that is far, far worse. A Christmas carol so dismal that if every stereo on Earth were to play it simultaneously, I have no doubt that the Sun would plummet into the sea and that, as they say, would be that. Perhaps that is the reptilian’s plan.
In a moment I’m going to show you a video of The Cat Carol. If an aspiring composer escaped from a mental institution, was tormented by elaborate visions of fanged Care Bears that constantly nipped at his heels and whispered lunacy in his ear, then he got syphilis and his brain started to rot, then he got staked out in the Gobi desert for a year with nothing but his own melting eyes for hydration, and then he was rescued by Chuck Norris who happened to have a toy guitar in the back of the tank he had arrived in, and the guitar was filled with Absinthe that he hit pretty hard for the next year…you’d have something about half as bad as The Cat Carol.
Do not watch this too many times or you will become a danger to yourself and others. If the worst Christmas song gets stuck in your head you are done for. Good luck.
Oh, any other bad Christmas songs that really set your teeth on edge? The worst Christmas songs in the history of history?
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