Associate, I know that World’s Strongest Librarian has taken some strange twists and turns. And now I must inform you of the strangest yet.
A mystery has been unfolding that I have not shared with you until now. There is a barnyard within sight of my house. Occasionally I sneak into the farmer’s garden to steal squash. I hate squash, so I don’t eat it, I just throw it away so nobody else can eat it. Alas, during my most recent moonlight caper, I was spied by the farmer’s hog.
You’ll understand that I was quite surprised when the hog began speaking to me. Apparently all of the animals have been sneaking into the farmer’s library at night and have taught themselves to read, write, and speak. I now find myself in a bit of a quandary: the farmer is a lunatic and would end me if he knew what I’d been up to. The hog threatened to tell him unless I gave he and his staff–his words–a place to talk about themselves and their worldview. They also want me to help them solve a mystery, because I possess such inordinate cunning: a chicken, Lady Cluck, has vanished from the barn. I have been enlisted to find out what happened.
Each of the animals will occasionally be writing for me here on World’s Strongest Librarian now. This is actually okay with me, minus the blackmail part. I am about to go off the grid to work on the book and having some help with not be all bad. I will still edit their writing, and I myself will still write each day. They each claim an area of expertise and interest, so this may begin to look like I have hired some columnists. And you know…they may actually sound a lot like I do at times. Rest assured, it is only until I have found a way to rid myself of them. Or the farmer.
Now then, meet the team:
Harmonious is quite eloquent for a hog. He wears a monocle and reads too much for his own good. He has requested to write book reviews for me. As you can see he is quite pleased with himself. I’ve actually grown to like him quite a bit, despite the fact that he is manipulating me.
A chain-smoking misanthrope of a crow. Arnold resents references to the crows from Dumbo, but I’m afraid the comparisons are inevitable. He will be commenting on movies–he has a particular fondness for B movies that are so bad they are good. He hates just about everyone and we have already butted heads more than once. He says he’ll only write reviews of Jonathan Swift, Orwell, and anyone else who has ever been let down by humanity.
Unlike the World’s Strongest Librarian–last foray into third person, I promise–Ewestace is delighted about the current state of American fitness. She will be offering commentary on some aspects of the industry that I personally find revolting, but this will at least give me a chance to offer some rebuttals. She has asked me to help her with RKC prep. I have said no. She will also write the occasional article about the bizarre world of high fashion, unless I can talk her out of it. She also claims to read a lot of romances, but I’m not sure I can allow romances to be reviewed here, blackmail or no. Also, she likes to gossip. I don’t. Power struggle to be fought later.
Angelo is a cat. I hate cats. Angelo has also earned a PhD in philosophy from NYU, just like Dalton from Roadhouse. When I informed her of that, she went nuts, just like any stupid cat would. Now her opinion of herself as an aristocratic, cosmopolitan big-thinker and patron of the arts and a big-time art critic is in ashes and she’s desperate to redeem herself. She is disgusted by my love of Dr. Seuss and Shel Silverstein, and will “inflict a modicum of culture upon these tawdry proceedings.” Whatever. Cats suck.
Dear reader, I love you to death, but if this turn of events turns your stomach, as it does mine, feel free to bolt and never come back. But I vow to you that one day I will get rid of them. Either the farmer will pass away or I will find a way to take control of the blog again.
I will still be writing every day, as Josh, so never fear. But there will be intrusions and interruptions.