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A Non-Fan’s Suggestions For Improving The NBA

jazzy chairThe NBA (National Basketball Association) opened the season the other night. As I was driving home from work with my wife we caught a snippet of a Utah Jazz game on the radio. They were losing, which was not surprising. She suddenly blurted something out that was characteristic of her peculiar brand of genius. She had lots of suggestions for improving the NBA.

“You know, the Utah Jazz should really have to play in Jazzy chairs.” This was the start of one of the strangest conversations we have had in our marriage. She is able to say things like this and mean them. She can even get outraged that nobody else has thought of things that are so self-evident.

I fully support the notion that the NBA can be improved, because I think anything can be improved. Some of the suggestions we came up with:

  • The baskets constantly revolve around the court, so you would have to keep track of which hoop you were shooting at
  • After a player for the Denver Nuggets scores ten points he must run to the concession stand, order and eat one entire order of chicken nuggets before rejoining the game
  • The dancers must dance on the court during the entire game, no exceptions
  • The basketball emits a painful electric shock at random intervals, which would cut down on ball-hoggery
  • The referees will ride ostriches which will occasionally lash out and kick players they don’t like
  • Full court shots are worth 50 points
  • There are stiff penalties for missing free throws, such as having to play the remainder of the game in a baby bonnet and adult diaper
  • The Lakers have to play with infant-sized swimming pools around their waists, held up with suspenders
  • The coaches from the NBA finals have to get married for the next year, until a new champion is crowned
  • Trap doors that open in the court unexpectedly
  • An angry bull could occasionally be loosed onto the court
  • The ball could be 50 times heavier
  • Extra points for dunking off a human pyramid of your teammates
  • All the players from both teams must be on the court the entire time
  • Give every single one of those players a basketball
  • Trampolines to allow 50 point dunks from the three point line

Hmm…that’s all I can remember, but there was a lot more. Every team got the treatment.

Anything to add?


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Comments on this entry are closed.

  • Tim October 29, 2010, 2:03 pm

    Hi Josh: Ha ha…some good ideas here…as a former rabid NBA fan who has lost some interest in the NBA, I could understand why we need these fresh ideas. My biggest gripe: how fouls called by NBA officials seem incredibly subjective. I don’t know how to get past this- perhaps an initiative to create robotic referees that would take any subjectivity out of the game. In any case, it sounds like the conversation with your wife was an interesting and funny one.

  • Adventure-Some Matthew October 29, 2010, 4:34 pm

    I’ve had some similar thoughts about Nascar. I know that I could make an interesting race, given control of just a single team. I wouldn’t even have to crash any cars to do it!

    • Josh Hanagarne October 29, 2010, 9:28 pm

      No doubt. It would take something pretty special to get me into Nascar.

  • Daisy October 30, 2010, 6:20 pm

    Have you ever watched a serious game of wheelchair basketball? These athletes are amazing. It’s incredibly exciting. My daughter attended a university that had a wheelchair basketball team and hosted national tournaments. She came to love the game and thoroughly enjoyed photographing it for the school paper!

    • Josh Hanagarne October 31, 2010, 3:15 pm

      I actually have, Daisy. Great stuff. Have you seen the documentary Murderball? Not the same thing, but I really enjoyed it.

  • Blaine Moore November 1, 2010, 1:01 pm

    What did you come up with for the Celtics?

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