Guest post from Jon Chacon (I’m 90% sure this is a parody, but I’m not going to ask)
Did you ever have one of those days when nothing went your way? When you felt like nothing was accomplished? Or when it seems like everyone is out to get you? Of course you have! Join me as I take you through “one of those days” that I had. Come to think of it, I think my day ended up better than it started and you’ll see why. This is a tale of 2 lb hand weights and madness.
What day from HELL wouldn’t be complete without waking up entirely too late and starting everything off in a flustered and confused state of mind? Well, I had planned to wake-up at 4 am so that I could make it to the gym in time to avoid the typical morning crowd, but my cell phone (expensive alarm clock) decided to take a comp day and sleep in an extra 2 hours instead.
Dazed and confused, as I awoke, by the fact that a strange light was emitting in my room I soon realized that it was not the usual car lights that occasionally wake me up at the normal hours of darkness, it was the sun. The SUN?! WTF?! What time is it? Here we go, no time to wake myself up, shave, brush my teeth, get some coffee, or get my s*** together. I gotta roll. I get my training clothes on, get my other things together for work, and quickly make my way to the gym.
Once I arrived I realized that time of the morning was everything I had dreaded: massive amounts of people, space taken up everywhere, people chatting on the sides, people talking on cell phones as they gracefully walk on their human-sized hamster wheels, and music that is so irritating it makes your ears bleed. Oh well, suck it up, I only have 30 minutes to get something done. No problem. Just need to get out my i-Pod so I can get and stay focused. Ah! You’ve got to be sh*tting me! I brought my i-Pod, but no freaking head phones? Who does that? Screw it, got to get to training.
Alright, got my initial ROM test, tested some squats, deads, pullups, and some kettlebell movements. Squats tested best. I love squats! Balls to the floor squats! Need a squat rack. Oh look, there’s one open across the gym. Looks like someone is en route to the same location. Better speed up. There is way too many people in the way. He beat me to it. I’ll just see if I can work in with him.
He “looks” like a decent squatter. “Hey man, how ya’ doin?” I ask. He ignores and I realize he’s listening to his i-Pod with the volume loud enough I could hear the words. I try to remain friendly. My rage-meter is approaching “pissed-off” level. He finally acknowledges me and removes an earpiece.
I’m not your bro
“Sup, bro?” Bro? I’m not his f***ing “bro” I thought. “Would you mind if I worked in some sets with you?” I ask. “Sorry dude, but today’s “arms” day and I gotta do my curls.” “Couldn’t you just set-up the weight you need and pick it up off the floor?” I reply. “Naw, man, I don’t wanna hurt my back by pickin’ up all this weight (all 95lbs. of it) off the ground.”
By this time I now have 20 minutes remaining until I have to hightail it to work. This little chode is blowing my mind right now. All of a sudden everything that I saw around me lit some type of primal instinctive survival fuse under my thick skull and I reacted with force.
Once I realized that this boy of a man was going to ignore me (which he showed by giving me the “sorry, but I got here first” smile and shrug, and then put his earpiece back in) I grabbed the first object that pissed me off; turns out it was one of those 2lb. pink coated hand weights you see at the typical commercial gym (WTF are they for anyways? I never see them used so who cares. Should provide some extra momentum.). With the weight grasped firmly and completely covered in my “WMD” (my right hand) I proceeded to wait until the boy finished up his set.
I firmly tapped on his shoulder and waited for him to turn around. He turned too slow and my weighted down hammer fist impacted his soft and supple boyish face direct hit to his left cheek bone. I felt bad because he didn’t move from my flying fist of doom. Rather, he dropped in place without a sound of any type.
Not even a “Wha…” or a “Huh” or an “Agh!” Right then and there as I suddenly felt better, the entire room stopped and stared in my general direction. I knudge the kid with my foot. “C’mon, get up buddy, you’re okay…right?” No response. Hmm… So much for squats. At this point I glare at everyone staring in my direction using my “stare-of-death”!.
Everyone magically went back to what they were doing. Turns out people don’t like my “stare-of-death”. Now I gotta wake this guy up before the manager makes his way over here and I go to jail. This should wake him up. I gently “toss” the small pink weight into his junk. And…he’s awake.
Booyah! I let him shwig some of his water and told him some lie about what just happened to him since he couldn’t seem to remember. Once he came to I had to dispose of the evidence so I tossed the pink hand weight in my gym bag. Don’t wanna forget the other one, it could produce a lead to the investigator. I realized the time and quickly made my way toward the main doors as I passed the manager going to help the kid. I gave him the glare to. He didn’t think twice and left me alone. That was a close one.
I made it out to my truck and… WTF?! Somebody is double parked behind me and I am blocked in. Seriously? As I drop my bag to the pavement in utter amazement that this is actually happening I hear the “ping” of the little pink hand weights and get an idea. Next thing I know, there is a smashed window and a pink weight sitting on the driver’s seat of this vehicle that just happens to be blocking me in.
How convenient. As the car alarm is blaring I reach my hand through the strategically placed hole in the window and unlock the door from the inside. I then open the door, take the vehicle out of park, and put it in neutral (luckily it’s a stick shift; easy day). Casually, I get out of the car, shut the door, and move to the rear of the vehicle where I proceed to push the vehicle until it is completely out of my way. Done and done. I grab the weight, get in my car, and I’m off to work.
As of now, I am pretty much in the “beyond blacked out” level of my rage-o-meter and I have a big smile on my face because everything seems so unreal at this point. I soon realize that no wonder my day is going bad, I haven’t had my cup-o-joe yet. Better do that before I go to work or I will kill the first person that crosses my path.
I spot a Mickey D’s on the way and pull into the drive through. The line is almost epic, but at this point I could care less. I don’t usually like paying the high price for coffee out in town, but this day called for it, and to be honest Mickey D’s makes some pretty decent coffee. I pull up to the drive-thru, place my order, and procede to the pick-up window. My coffee is ready.
“That’ll be $1.24 please,” says the rather large and complacent-looking woman at the window. I don’t keep change around so I reach for my wallet…the wallet I didn’t BRING WITH ME! This woman looks like she could do some workin’ out as she works. “Here you go.” I take the coffee from her frail little monkey paw and firmly put one of my pink weights in its place. “Thanks, and here YOU go,” I said as I sped off while she stared at the weight with the most dumb-founded look as you could imagine. Oh look at the time. I’m now 45 minutes late for work, no thanks to the wait in the drive-thru. At least I got my coffee.
By the time I make it to work I go straight to the locker room and get dressed. As I finish getting ready my boss strolls by and notices a little pink 2lb. weight that fell out of my bag. Before he could make any sort of comment, I looked up from tying my shoes and gave him, once again, the “stare-of-death.”
Now being slightly confused by this weight and my reputation as a BADASS he decides not to ask me a question and asks how my day is going. I give him an honest answer. “Pretty s***y,” I say. “Okay…well is everything goin’ alright?” “Couldn’t be better!” I exclaim. He knods in affirmation and asesses the situation. “How long has it been since you took a day off?” he asks. “I don’t,” I respond firmly.
“How about you take a comp day. You’ve been working hard.” “Thanks,” I respond without sounding thankful. “Better make it two,” he says. Without responding, I grab my pink weight and put it back in my bag, gather my things, and make my way home.
What a day. I get inside, get into some comfortable clothes, and decide to train at my apartment. Got plenty of time now. Then I hear a knock on the door. What now? Damn, what does this cute little blonde want? “Hi, I just moved here and blah, blah, blah…” Holy crap, she’s an airhead. “You look like you workout alot,” she says. “Yeah, I guess you could say that.”
As she rudely takes a peek inside my humble home she notices the pink weight sitting on the counter. “Oh that’s cute, do you use that?” she asks. “Actually, I have, but really don’t need it anymore. I’ve moved on to bigger things.” “Oh, well I’m trying to get “toned” up for my new boyfriend, would you mind if I used it?” she asks. “Take it. It’s yours,” I said. That shut her up. Now I have two days to do as I please. The day didn’t turn out as bad as I thought it would. Good thing I happened upon those little pink weights. Turns out they are good for something.
How was your day?
PS: If you’re actually looking for used dumbbells of any size or color, that link will help you on your quest.
About the author:
When Jon Chacon is not conducting hand weight massacres, you can find him getting stronger over on his blog, primalsteel.tumblr.com