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A Mercifully Brief Interview With Sad-boy Edward Cullen

The ever-angsty and tediously undead Edward Cullen appeared at my window last night requesting that I interview him. I said no. Then he wouldn’t leave and he began to weep with an irritating fervor that only hardened my resolve. But he still wouldn’t leave. I was finally annoyed (and tired) enough that I agreed to ask him two questions, provided I got to choose the questions. He agreed. Below is the text of the interview. At the end, in the comments, please ask Edward additional questions and I’ll forward them.

Josh: Why are you always such a big baby?

Edward: I do not know. I would have it otherwise, but then of course…it is not otherwise, you are correct. My heart yearns for the drug which…you see, abs and lips and sparkles are nice but…but the yearning. The longing. It is as if…but…boo hoo hoo.  Boo hoo hoo. I vant…I vant…

Josh: What are you talking about? Why are you such a big baby?

Edward: I am a sad big baby because I am. (sniffles) But thank you, ’tis a relief to finally admit it. The charade has gone on for far–

Josh: ‘Tis,” huh?

Edward: Yes, ’tis. But as I said, the charade has–

Josh: Yeah, that’s enough.  Okay, do you hereby admit, on the record, that as vampires go, you are 100,000,000 times less desirable than Count Chocula?

Edward: I do. I do indeed. You could multiply that number by a factor of 19 million (he pronounces this milliooooon for some reason) and it would still be true.

Josh: I thought you might. Now get out of here. Go back to Hot Topic. No, wait a second…can I ask one more question?

Edward: You may.

Josh: You’re on team Jacob, right?

Edward: Oh yes. Ohhhhhh yes. May I have a hankie?

Josh: You may not. I don’t vant to give you one.

THE END

When the interview ended, Edward turned and zoomed away into the night, but not before I saw that he was wearing Hello Kitty berets in his hair, which complimented his sagging maroon stirrup-pants. Edward, if you will come back, I will give you three free kettlebell lessons.

Do you have a question for Edward?

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Comments on this entry are closed.

  • Eric | Eden Journal July 29, 2010, 5:33 am

    Mmm, I could go for a bowl of Count Chocula.

  • Todd July 29, 2010, 6:36 am

    That really is unfair–after all, Count Chocula is so very chocolatey.
    As for Edward, I can safely say that I have not read the books, nor have I seen the movies. Better yet, I don’t plan to. 🙂

  • Melissa Gorzelanczyk July 29, 2010, 8:31 am

    This is hilarious! I love Edward, but love this post even more.

    Thanks for the humor. I needed it.
    Melissa

    • Josh Hanagarne July 29, 2010, 5:13 pm

      Melissa, you’re a good sport:) I know people who take their Twilight pretty dang seriously!

  • I wonder if vampires like to eat peeps? I think that count chocula was more of a sneaky vampire… luring you in with all those marshmallows, and then when you’re not looking -BAM! a bite on the neck… jut my personal theory however.

    -Joshua Black
    The Underdog Millionaire

  • Jenn July 29, 2010, 11:03 am

    You are so wacky. I love it. It makes me want to see or read the Twilight series so I can authentically make fun of it. As it stands, I just self righteously refuse to acknowledge them. 😉

  • Claire July 29, 2010, 11:19 am

    This is quite possibly the funniest thing I have seen about the cry-baby Edward. LOVE the Hello Kitty touch.

  • Core Fitness: James Thompson July 29, 2010, 12:33 pm

    LOL

  • Steve Scott Site July 29, 2010, 7:16 pm

    That was one funny post. I loved it. Comments were great to, I am going to be wondering if Vampires eat Peeps all day now.

    Thanks

    Steve

  • Carlon July 30, 2010, 7:48 am

    Man, I really needed the laugh.
    My daughter insisted I take her to see Eclipse.
    She loves Edward.
    But she’s 7…hopefully, she’ll move on to better things.
    But then again..she loved Darth Vader when she was 4.

  • Kellye Parish July 30, 2010, 1:50 pm

    Carlon – Frankly, I find Darth Vader more attractive…

    • Christopher July 31, 2010, 12:51 am

      Classic ‘I’m going to kick your ass and there’s nothing you Rebel Scum can do about it” Darth, or Christian “I’m kind a’ whiny’ Haydensen Darth?

    • Carlon August 1, 2010, 7:15 pm

      Well, just yesterday I made her watch Empire Strikes Back again…and in the fight scene between Luke and Vader she said, “Why does Luke whine so much?”

      And I said, “Because he wants to be Edward.”

      That got me a loud, “DADDY!”

      • Christopher August 1, 2010, 7:48 pm

        If I found out my pop was the Dark Lord of the Sith, which means, according to the hot chick I hadn’t found out was my sister yet (that could be another whiny moment), that he’s the source of all that’s bad and evil around, I might feel like whining a bit too.

        Then I’d take him up on his offer to dust Palpatine and rule. >:)

        Sorry for the futher geek-hijack. It’s all I have to contribute since all I know of twighlight is Forks, WA, which about 8 years ago had a nice diner, a tractor shop, and that’s about it. I suppose facing decades of living in the rainiest town in the continental US might get me down a bit…

  • Heather August 1, 2010, 9:47 am

    Max Schreck is rolling in his grave, howling with laughter! Thanks for the funny!

  • David August 2, 2010, 4:33 am

    My nieces wear Hello Kitty Crocs all the time…so they’re on Team Edward? Dang.

  • Sophia November 15, 2010, 9:30 pm

    I am actually a huge twilight fan!!!! and I Love Edward. but, I also have a sence of humor. and I Laughed…….. out loud.

  • Tori March 6, 2011, 9:13 am

    Ugh. Some People Are So Childish. I Mean I’m Not An Adult (I’m 10 Years Old) I Consider The Twilight Saga An Amazing Story That Has Its Ups And Downs. So Just Stop Being So.. So.. Stupid!

  • ellie October 27, 2011, 9:30 am

    I fully admit to being a twilight superfan (I can practically hear the groans as you read that!) and of course I am completely in love with Edward (though I’m more of a Jacob ‘gal myself). Don’t ask me why I’m going mad on the brackets I just feel like it! As much as I find this HILARIOUS and I’m not about to go phscotic (really hope that’s spelt right or won’t I look DUMB) on you all but… C’mon guys lay off Edward! He isn’t that soft mean he eats DEER! Plus how many guys in the ‘real world’ are as gentlemanly, polite, self-sacrificing and well… hot as Edward Cullen! The books aren’t all that bad either- Stephanie Meyer is a fabulous author and the imagination, craftmanship, time and effort gone into the books is IMMENSE! For you who haven’t read it: Read it and I defy anyone not to fall in love and be swept off their feet just an incy wincy bit! Great post though Josh!

    • Josh Hanagarne October 27, 2011, 9:43 am

      Ellie, you’ve won me over. I give my heart to you, and to Edward!

  • Ellie October 28, 2011, 7:57 am

    Thankyou Josh! Nobody can resist a bit of Twilight magic and charm can they? I knew I would win you over eventually!

  • shayy April 25, 2012, 8:39 am

    omg. i love edward so much he dosent know it yet but we are going to be married lmao. i love him so much im such a vampire girl i go crazy when ever i see him or think about him. i dont no what it is about him but he makes every one wanna be with him i love him so much and the movies. they are my life. and i have posters and books. and movies. and i have everything. the only thing i dont have is clothes. and jewlery lol that would be kinda stalking him lol but i love him so so so so so so so so so so so so much hes my hero. and thats the end of it. <3 love you edward baby

    • Josh Hanagarne April 25, 2012, 9:09 am

      Well, Shayy, you’re not alone. I might as well just admit that I’m jealous of him. I don’t sparkle and I’ll probably die by the time I’m 80.