The ever-angsty and tediously undead Edward Cullen appeared at my window last night requesting that I interview him. I said no. Then he wouldn’t leave and he began to weep with an irritating fervor that only hardened my resolve. But he still wouldn’t leave. I was finally annoyed (and tired) enough that I agreed to ask him two questions, provided I got to choose the questions. He agreed. Below is the text of the interview. At the end, in the comments, please ask Edward additional questions and I’ll forward them.
Josh: Why are you always such a big baby?
Edward: I do not know. I would have it otherwise, but then of course…it is not otherwise, you are correct. My heart yearns for the drug which…you see, abs and lips and sparkles are nice but…but the yearning. The longing. It is as if…but…boo hoo hoo. Boo hoo hoo. I vant…I vant…
Josh: What are you talking about? Why are you such a big baby?
Edward: I am a sad big baby because I am. (sniffles) But thank you, ’tis a relief to finally admit it. The charade has gone on for far–
Josh: ‘Tis,” huh?
Edward: Yes, ’tis. But as I said, the charade has–
Edward: I do. I do indeed. You could multiply that number by a factor of 19 million (he pronounces this milliooooon for some reason) and it would still be true.
Josh: I thought you might. Now get out of here. Go back to Hot Topic. No, wait a second…can I ask one more question?
Edward: You may.
Josh: You’re on team Jacob, right?
Edward: Oh yes. Ohhhhhh yes. May I have a hankie?
Josh: You may not. I don’t vant to give you one.
When the interview ended, Edward turned and zoomed away into the night, but not before I saw that he was wearing Hello Kitty berets in his hair, which complimented his sagging maroon stirrup-pants. Edward, if you will come back, I will give you three free kettlebell lessons.
Do you have a question for Edward?
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