Yesterday I saw Hercules on the cover of a book.
I loved Greek mythology as a kid. My favorite myth of all was the Labors of Hercules. To atone for some bad stuff, Hercules was sentenced to perform 10 “labors,” or tasks. The tasks were so hard that were essentially impossible.
Hercules being Hercules, the labors proved challenging, but doable. But he cheated a couple of times, which earned him a slap on the wrist in the form of two additional tasks.
Suddenly I found myself in the position to sentence him to 10 additional labors in the modern world so he could fix everything that needs fixin’. I took a look at some of the things that seem impossible, but might be within his abilities.
1. No more bullies
Whatever it is that makes a stronger person get off on dominating a weaker person, it’s got to go.
2. Get Tool to release an album every single year
A month after ever Tool release, I’m ready for another album. But the weeks until the next one are usually measured in hundreds.
3. Clean up the oil spill
I certainly don’t know how to fix it. Progress seems to be happening, but is certainly slower than everyone involved would like.
4. Castrate the misogynists
I’ve had the dubious honor of knowing way too many men who hate women. My mom did her best to raise gentlemen, and I like to think she succeeded.
Sidenote: a guy at work recently called me a “tall bigot” when I asked him to stop (loudly) complaining about the “Jews and lesbians” wrecking everything. As you know, tall bigots are the worst bigots of all!
5. A kettlebell in every garage
And then get everyone to use it. Great for speed, power, and battling marauders.
6. Everyone has read Gates of Fire
Yes, it is that awesome
7. I want a bacon tree
8. A third season of Twin Peaks
Twin Peaks, for all of its flaws, is still the most original piece of television I’ve ever seen. I’ll be surprised if that ever changes for me.
9. Kurt Vonnegut and Mark Twain return from the grave to collaborate on a novel about the current state of things
Just picture it.
10. No more Twilight-themed test-prep material
As much as I’ve poked fun at Twilight, I have no problem with the Twilight stories. However, the industry is bleeding over into areas I think we could do without.
I was recently in a Barnes and Noble and saw a Twilight vocabulary workbook that will help students prep for the SAT, ACT, GED, SSAT, LSAT, KFC, UFO, IBS, UFO, and the Bar Exam.
There was a time when it was possible to study for a test without relying on angsty vampires.
What did I miss?
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And if you’re really awesome, join the book club.