My husband has been away on a three-week trip for work, literally on the other side of the world. We’ve never been apart this long during our ten years together.
By Tara Mohr
I love my husband. He’s the most amazing man. I’ve missed him a lot. And when he gets home, I’m going to suggest to him that every couple years, we spend a few weeks apart.
Here’s why:
1. Real Connection
During his time away, I started to think about the difference between blending and connecting. Connecting is, by definition, what happens when two different entities meet.
Over many years together, we—like so many other couples—had slipped into a mode of blending or merging—each person’s preferences and routines and being blurred with the other’s. This is comfortable, but it isn’t exciting, and it actually precludes connection. Think about it: two things that are blended together quite literally cannot connect.
During our time apart, both he and I re-centered in ourselves as individuals, laying the foundation for connection.
2. The People We Love
I got to see anew just how fabulous my friends are. I expected that I would spend more time with them while my husband was away, but I surprised to find that our time together was much higher quality than usual, because I was bringing more attention and energy to it.
As my husband travelled, he nurtured relationships and made new friends as well. This makes me very happy. I know from the scientific research that strong social bonds enhance not only happiness but also health and longevity. Of course I want all of that for him.
Plus, the stronger his friendships, the more I get to be me. The stronger my friendships, the more he gets to be himself. I can do art with my art buddies and he can go see Avatar with someone who actually wants to see it. When we aren’t looking to one another fill all of our social needs, we appreciate each other for who we are. We can connect rather than blend.
3. We See Unconscious Compromises
I knew I had made many unconscious compromises as my husband and I had lived a shared daily life for ten years, and I wanted to see what those were. When would I want to go to bed? When would I wake up? Would I spend my time differently? Would I be more focused or less? How would my mood be different?
I did end up getting on a different schedule, eating different foods, changing my workout patterns, and feeling much more independent. I rediscovered some of my own rhythms. Now I get to decide what I want to tweak in my routine going forward.
4. We Remembered How to…
My husband and I reject traditional gendered roles as much as possible, but we also specialize in tasks at home. He’s in charge of all things electronic, I’m in charge of all things social (sadly stereotypical, I know). I do groceries, he does mail. Etcetera.
Living alone, I did it all. (The cosmos itself seems to be very supportive of this project, since every time my husband boards a plane, a fuse blows, the modem commits mysterious acts, or the car begins roaring when in reverse. I deal. Well, I panic and then I deal.)
It’s important that I actually know what to do when these kinds of things happen. It’s quite lovely to feel like (or even be, perhaps) an autonomous adult. And it is important to me personally to know that my husband is my husband, not my husband/mechanic/IT support. Which brings me to my next point.
5. We Both Know We’d Be Just Fine
Because I feel so good when I’m around my husband, because he brings a lot of happiness into my life, I can understand how my brain concludes that if he weren’t there, I wouldn’t—or couldn’t—feel good. But I learned (and I wasn’t sure after ten years of coupled living) that’s I’m a very happy, well-functioning individual on my own. I am also very in love with my husband, a man who makes me very happy. Both are true. I don’t want to bring a spirit of needing or dependence into my relationship, so for me, knowing that I am just fine on my own is important.
So yes, I am recommending that if all this strikes a chord in you, you set up some intentional time apart from your darling. (And if you are someone whose partner is frequently away, what about consciously trying to use that time to strengthen yourself and the relationship?)
Yup, It Is A Little Scary
If you are feeling a little nervous about intentional time apart, I think that’s pretty normal. After all, it does entail leaving the familiar. Perhaps you are worried that one of you will conclude that time apart was better than time together. Maybe this just seems like dangerous rocking the boat. But on the other hand, this is your life. Aren’t you curious to see what is revealed when you shake things up?
You can use everything you learn (yes, absolutely everything) to make your relationship better. Just hold that as your intention, don’t get into blame, and use all your fabulous communication skills in the debrief discussions.
Up for it?
Love,
Tara
About The Author:
Tara Mohr writes about simple, compassionate, beautiful living at www.wiselivingblog.com. She loves poets, oceans, San Francisco cafes and the sound of 5 a.m.
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I whole-heartedly agree. Interesting that I should be reading this while my husband is presently away for a few days. He’s on a biking trip with friends, which I don’t begrudge him, nor did I feel the need to invite myself along as it seems so many other significant others do when the guys just want to go away to ski or the like. He actually used to be bummed out over the fact that I don’t, for example, ski, nor really care to just for the sake of our being able to do it together. I told him it’s healthy for us to have separate interests, and, besides, I do a fabulous job of sitting in a cozy ski-town pub with a hot toddy while he’s on the slopes
I’ve worried sometimes that I’m autonomous to a fault having lived alone for several years before getting married–it’s overall still something I embrace and insist on, but I’ve also wanted my husband to feel appreciated and needed as well. We moved overseas within three months of our wedding, which really magnified that choice I’d made between him and life as I knew it before committing to him, and my initially homesick self flew home solo for extra visits without so much as even missing him. That is why I say my autonomy concerned me. Really, though, it was just a matter of more time getting transitioned, growing into each other and connecting, as you say, and I’ve reached the point now where it’s like that “It Had to Be You” lyric about being “glad just to be sad thinking of you.” It’s a lovely feeling knowing I miss him when we’re apart now, and lovelier still that feeling can still coexist with my usual contentment with alone-time. A lot of my interests are very solitary in nature–e.g. reading and writing–so it’s essential to have that time alone, and I’m never at a loss for entertaining myself. With the initial panic over all the compromise that marriage entails behind me, it’s a comfort knowing that not all routines I’d carved out for myself need be lost.
And what’s even better than my own selfish indulgences is knowing that I’m excited for him when he can be away doing the things he’s passionate about as well. He’s fulfilling a dream right now biking through France like his Tour de France heroes, and I think that’s awesome. I don’t need to shoulder my way into all of his doings; instead, I look forward to when he returns and we can excitedly share with each other all we independently accomplished this weekend and then revel in how nice it is to be together again.
Thank you for sharing your insights, Tara!
Really interesting!
What struck me about the first part of your comment is how it highlighted all the shoulds we all carry around – if I love this person then I should….miss them…feel this way when we are apart…want to go on those trips with them…etc. We all have the shoulds – from societal norms, the movies, our own families, whatever – about what it looks like to be in love or be a good couple. And of course, the truth is much more rich and diverse and individual than that.
It’s great to hear how you have nurtured your solitary interests and found a way to keep them a part of your life i your marriage. My experience is that we can only bring our best, happiest, most generous selves to our relationship when we are also doing those things that nurture and inspire us.
I couldn’t agree more! Even though we always resist having to be away from each other the times that we have always create such strength and rekindle some passions.
Thanks for sharing Tara
Glad you enjoyed this Hilary! I agree – we resist this but it really does offer so many gifts.
Warmly, Tara
I agree that happy couples shouldn’t need to be co-dependent, and should have interests away from another. But I’m not sure I agree that spending long periods (weeks) away from one another is the best way to build a “stronger” relationship.
My parents got married when they were teenagers, and the first time they spent a night away from one another after being married wasn’t until they were in their late 30′s. That was hard on them.
My job requires me to travel, and I know being away from home is terribly unpleasant. For me. My wife. And our kids. Does it make me “appreciate” them more? Sure. Being separated for 5-10 days at a time, unable to sleep next to my wife, kiss her goodnight, and tuck my kids into bed inevitably makes me treasure my time with them more.
But does it make our relationship stronger? I don’t think so.
Hi Tara,
I agree with you! It’s important to be your own person. It makes for a happy relationship, one based on mutual respect, aliveness, not co-dependency or co-fear of being alone.
People find the most meaning in their lives when they find their true genius and put it to work. It’s being in the “life”-zone. Always being together with your mate makes it hard to do that. If my husband doesn’t want to be an oil painter, does that mean I can’t be?
Each couple has to find their own right together-part formula. There’s no right or wrong.
My husband and I spend a lot of time together. We also spend time part pursuing our own interests.
You may like my post from last week.
But we have to save the men too!
Enjoy life!
Giulietta
Giulietta,
Thanks for your comment. Yes, this was one of the things that emerged during time apart for us – real ample space to do our “real work” – the work we love and feel called to do. That put both of us in a state of energy and flow that only enriched our connection. I also love your point that every couple has their right together-apart balance – and I would add that that balance changes during different phases of the relationship.
I did check out your post on your blog and thought it was fabulous. Also your River article at Skirt! So beautiful. You are a beautiful writer and I look forward to reading more from you.
Warmly, Tara
Greg,
Thanks for your comments! I do think it can feel difficult – as you mention it did for your parents. But I don’t think that’s bad. Sometimes the difficulty comes from being in the unfamiliar territory of being on your own after not being used to it, from leaving the usual pattern. On many days I found it excruciating! But I’m glad I went through that, because it helped me reconnect to my whole, adult self.
That being said,I don’t think that time apart is inherently good. I think it can be used for the good, if one or both people decide to use it to strengthen their autonomy, pursue individual interests, deepen other relationships, or use it in whatever other creative ways they feel will be enriching.
But to your point about your own experience with travel, I wouldn’t want to argue that more time apart is better – just that some time apart is a wonderful (but not easy), needed balance to couples’ shared lives.
Warmly, Tara
From The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran
Then Almitra spoke again and said, And what of Marriage, master?
And he answered saying:
You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
I love that passage. Mirrors what you are saying Tara albeit in a different manner.
-Logan
Logan, I love it that you know Gibran.
Thanks Logan. So beautiful. Spaces in togetherness.
Interesting concept Tara!
Although I’m not married I can understand the point you are making. This reminds me of a great saying: “Absence makes the heart grow funder!” Great post!!
Thanks Jarrod, glad you enjoyed it!
Wonderful read. My fiance is a firefighter, and so we know that every 3rd day he will be gone for 24 hours. I can plan ahead to have “me” time, whether it’s get extra work done, whiten my teeth and put on a silly looking hair and face mask, or plan time with friends. Every year he also has a trip with the guys. This time definitely leads us to be more wholly ourselves, which then translates to being more wholly together. A good friend of mine, after getting divorced, explained to me that she lost herself in her husband. I can imagine that would be the greatest disservice to us, and our partners. Thanks for this.
Erin,
Thanks so much for your comment. It sounds like you’ve created a clear intention about using the time apart for the good – and done that very effectively.
I love your articulation of you and your husband being “more wholly yourselves” after time apart and how that allows you to be “more wholly together.” So well put.
It fascinated and surprised me to see that my husband’s and my connection didn’t become closer as we became more merged – it kind of became dulled. When we were both re-grounded in our individual selves, we could connect in a more alive, dynamic way.
I’m glad this resonated with you, and thanks for sharing your experience. Tara
Great article Tara! I think this can be even more important if you and/or your partner are introverts. Because many introverts need a lot of time inside their own heads writing, thinking and reflecting, taking space for this can be very important to happiness. It’s not a reflection on how much we love our partner. Rather, it allows us to return to them rejuvenated and share the very best of ourselves with them even more.
Time apart on a smaller scale is important too. Having some separate friends and hobbies (as well as some shared ones) and taking time to pursue them on your own now and then releases you of the need to devote some attention to your less-engaged spouse accompanying you if they aren’t as into an activity as you are. It’s very freeing and energizing to focus 100% on the activity or friend instead, and when you reunite you can take the energy from that time back to your relationship and have new stories to share, too.
Thekla,
Thanks!
I’m a huge extrovert and my husband a pretty strong introvert, and it took me a long time to really get how important alone time is for him. Rejuvenation – as you put it -is really the right word. When we come together again after we’ve had time doing our own thing (often for him alone time and for me serious friend/social time) we are both so much more energized and appreciative of the other.
And that goes to your second point too – and I love your observation that it takes energy to engage a not-so-engaged spouse in something you’ve invited/coaxed them along to, and that takes away from being able to immerse yourself fully in the activity. Sometimes that’s just fine, but sometimes its great to go do the thing with a buddy who enjoys it as much as you, and come home inspired and full of energy and tales and all that!
Love your insights, as usual! Tara
Hey Tara,
This really struck a chord with me. I’m a big believe in balance when it comes to relationships. I’m currently single, but I had two previous girlfriends who really didn’t understand the importance of time apart. In fact, they were almost co-dependent and I realized that there’s no way this could be a healthy relationship longer term. When you spend all your time with one person, it tends to stifle your ability to grow and have experiences. I don’t think that just because you are with somebody you shouldn’t have experiences outside that person. I think time apart keeps things fresh and maintains a healthy balance. It’s interesting to see what kinds of unconscious compromises you have made because of this situation.
Hey there!
Glad to hear this struck a chord with you.
So what will it look like to choose/attract/find an autonomous woman who embraces this outlook in your next relationship? What will need to be different?
I offer that as something to simmer on!
Warmly, Tara
We’ve been married for almost 25 years and have always lived this way. Our jobs, family obligations, and some differing interests. In addition to what you wrote so beautifully about, the thing I like most is that we get to experience the feelings associated with missing each other, looking forward to the other’s return, and the excitement of a long-awaited reunion. After 25 years, many(most?) couples no longer have that experience. It is fun to feel like young lovers even though we’ve both just turned 60.
that’s the loveliest thought I’ve read today. Thanks Randi.
Fabulous! Very inspiring. I think its so important to pass on teachings about this because most of the narratives we get say the more togetherness/blendedness, the better.
that is so beautiful, my wife and i are having the connection problem. we have been together 15 years and we have never really had time apart. i just told her to book a ticket to go to amsterdam for a couple of weeks to be with friends she needs too find herself and i too can find myself again i think this is healthy but i am a litttle scared. but i want too be the couple that are holding hands while walking when we are old
Most interesting and thought-inducing post, Tara.
I really like the idea of re-centering (thinking a lot how to include re-centering on my busy daily schedule, and not just on holidays), and also the differentiation between blending and connecting.
After becoming a dad, our lives have become much more interconnected, not only for the shared experience, but also because of the logistics nightmare of the dual-career couple with kids. When my wife is away for some time, it helps to recenter, but it also gets very demanding, so not much time available.
On the other hand, it takes some time to be able to reap the benefits: whenever she’s away, I spend two days like a disorganized emotional mess, due to the change in routine. Then I recover and start seeing some of the benefits you mention.
Thanks Paxti!
Interesting. I too found the first few days to be chaotic and not-so-fun, not bc of kid logistics but just the discomfort of the change to the familiar. It took me a while to settle enough into my new reality that I could begin playing with the possibilities.
Absence can indeed make the heart grow fonder.
Tara – I love this post. I can relate in a lot of ways. My husband often goes on business trips for 2-3 days at a time and in some ways it has really strengthened our marriage.
Sometimes I even look forward to his business trips so that I can miss him all over again.
Thanks Shannon, so glad you enjoyed it. So curious about to hear more about how you feel its strengthened your relationship. Hope you will blog about this!
Tara
In the first nearly 20 years of our life together, my husband worked shift work, giving us two weeks of only seeing each other at lunchtime during the week. I still think this was a marvelous gift for the depth and longevity of our marriage, as much as we had our moments of loathing it at the time.
He’s now embarking on a career in Real Estate, which, as you probably know means lots of hours working evenings and weekends, and also means lots of time spent apart again. As busy as I am working, and helping him with his new business as much as I can, I also look forward to those times apart to practice and develop skills we would never do together. We may enjoy bike ridinig together, but he’s not about to try belly dancing!
We’re still in the transition at the moment, but I believe that as our new reality starts to feel more real, we will ultimately be re-inspired in our connection.
It’s true, everyone’s together-apart balance is different, and it’s important to find a balance that works for both of you.
Hugs and butterflies,
~T~
Thanks for this beautiful reflection. Really interesting to hear that even a more intensive and long-term pattern of separation enriched your relationship.
And obviously, whatever allows for belly dancing is a good thing.