Recently I was lucky enough to sit down and talk with John Matrix from Commando. If your memory is hazy, John’s daughter was kidnapped by South American jerks and he had to destroy most of the world in order to get her back. After seeing my altercation with Teen Wolf, Matrix asked for a moment of my time. I gave him as many as I was comfortable with, which turned out to be far fewer than I would have anticipated.
Matrix: Josh, thank you for taking the time to talk with me, I know that you’re very busy, very important, and very handsome, so I appreciate you working me and this rocket launcher into your schedule. Also–I like that top you are wearing.
Josh: My pleasure, John, I’m a big fan. And this is just a black t-shirt.
Matrix: Negative. My liking of your top is non-negotiatable. It is quite striking.
Matrix: You flatter me, so let me begin like this: do you have any questions for me?
Josh: That’s rather a strange way to begin an interview, John, but glad you asked, I sure do. Where to begin…okay, here’s one: during the opening credits, we see a little deer eating out of your hand while your daughter laughs. Why the deer?
Matrix: Josh, as you know, when military men retire, old habits die hard. Feeding a baby deer is the opposite of burning cities down. It was how I proved to myself that I had actually changed, when in the past I might have just eaten it.
Josh: The deer, you mean?
Matrix: Indeed. Where did you get that belt buckle?
Josh: I look down to double-check. I’m not even wearing a belt, John.
Matrix: I have never seen such a shiny belt buckle. Well done. Well done to your and to your shiny buckle.
Josh: At this point I am thinking that I didn’t tell anyone I was doing the interview. Nobody knew where I was or who I was with. I had to stall.
All right, here’s another one. The bad guy, Bennett–he spends a lot of the movie in leather pants and a little chain-mail shirt, kind of like Frodo’s mithril coat from Lord Of The Rings. Was this outfit inspired by Tolkien’s work?
Matrix: No, it was modeled after a drag queen performance Bennett saw once. He was supposed to spend the movie in fatigues, but he wouldn’t do it. Leather and chain-mail, that’s Bennett. Ha. Ha.
Josh: It wasn’t a very flattering outfit, but–
Matrix: I was not finished.
Josh: I apologize.
Matrix: Ha. There. I finish.
Josh: He was also a little tubby to be a convincing physical foil for you, I might add.
Matrix: Yes, but he still nearly got the best of me in the end, if you’ll remember.
Josh: Yes, but if you’ll remember, you threw a pipe all the way through the chain-mail shirt, and then it went into the boiler behind him, and then steam pours out the pipe and you say:
We say in unison, “Let off some steam Bennett!” We both laugh. He sits forward in his chair.
Matrix: Josh, you have lovely eyes, Josh.
Josh: Thank you John now I have another–
Matrix: Quite striking, Josh. Quite striking lovely eyes. Ha Ha…Ha. And since you asked, did you know that Commandos mate for life? It is true. Gibbons, termites, and Commandos.
Josh: All right, next question.
Matrix: If you don’t mind, I’d like to ask you a question instead.
Matrix: Fortune favors the bold, Joshy. I have no mate, by the way.
Josh: Just Josh.
Matrix: Okay, just Josh. Josh with the lovely blue eyes.
At this point the room begins to feel too small.
Matrix: Near the end of the movie, if you would recall Joshy, there are several long, savory shots of me rowing a boat in little green panties. At this point he reaches out and pats my knee.
Josh: Oh! That’s…a bit cosey. Let’s see. Was there a question? I grab his hand to take it off my knee, but suddenly he is now holding my hand instead.
Matrix: It’s loaded. Ha ha…ha.
Matrix: Begins waving the rocket launcher around the room. Now, you will comment on the sumptuous nature of my green panties. You will do it now.
Josh: Oh dear.
Matrix: We are no more talking about the deer. You will comment on panties now you will do it now Joshy you will do it NOW.
I run to the door and try the knob, but it is locked. Footsteps behind me.
Matrix: JOSHY JOSHY JOSHY HA HA HA.
Josh: Okay! Okay! I thought the scene with camouflage briefs was a bit much, but you redeemed quickly when you started stabbing everyone with that pitchfork and throwing those saw blades. No! Don’t!
I turn around and he is wearing nothing but those green camouflage panties and he is holding a pitchfork. I do not know where it came from. I do not know how I escaped, only that I did escape. If John Matrix offers to interview you, I highly recommend that you say no. Respectfully.
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