Interviewed by John Matrix From Commando

by Josh Hanagarne on May 11, 2010

 

John Matrix

Recently I was lucky enough to sit down and talk with John Matrix from Commando. If your memory is hazy, John’s daughter was kidnapped by South American jerks and he had to destroy most of the world in order to get her back. After seeing my altercation with Teen Wolf, Matrix asked for a moment of my time. I gave him as many as I was comfortable with, which turned out to be far fewer than I would have anticipated.

Matrix: Josh, thank you for taking the time to talk with me, I know that you’re very busy, very important, and very handsome, so I appreciate you working me and this rocket launcher into your schedule. Also–I like that top you are wearing.

Josh: My pleasure, John, I’m a big fan. And this is just a black t-shirt.

Matrix: Negative. My liking of your top is non-negotiatable. It is quite striking.

Josh: Okay…

Matrix: You flatter me, so let me begin like this: do you have any questions for me?

Josh: That’s rather a strange way to begin an interview, John, but glad you asked, I sure do. Where to begin…okay, here’s one: during the opening credits, we see a little deer eating out of your hand while your daughter laughs. Why the deer?

Matrix: Josh, as you know, when military men retire, old habits die hard. Feeding a baby deer is the opposite of burning cities down. It was how I proved to myself that I had actually changed, when in the past I might have just eaten it.

Josh: The deer, you mean?

Matrix: Indeed. Where did you get that belt buckle?

Josh: I look down to double-check. I’m not even wearing a belt, John.

Matrix: I have never seen such a shiny belt buckle. Well done. Well done to your and to your shiny buckle.

Josh: At this point I am thinking that I didn’t tell anyone I was doing the interview. Nobody knew where I was or who I was with. I had to stall.

All right, here’s another one. The bad guy, Bennett–he spends a lot of the movie in leather pants and a little chain-mail shirt, kind of like Frodo’s mithril coat from Lord Of The Rings. Was this outfit inspired by Tolkien’s work?

Matrix: No, it was modeled after a drag queen performance Bennett saw once. He was supposed to spend the movie in fatigues, but he wouldn’t do it. Leather and chain-mail, that’s Bennett. Ha. Ha.

Josh: It wasn’t a very flattering outfit, but–

Matrix: I was not finished.

Josh: I apologize.

Matrix: Ha. There. I  finish.

Josh: He was also a little tubby to be a convincing physical foil for you, I might add.

Matrix: Yes, but he still nearly got the best of me in the end, if you’ll remember.

Josh: Yes, but if you’ll remember, you threw a pipe all the way through the chain-mail shirt, and then it went into the boiler behind him, and then steam pours out the pipe and you say:

We say in unison, “Let off some steam Bennett!” We both laugh. He sits forward in his chair.

Matrix: Josh, you have lovely eyes, Josh.

Josh: Thank you John now I have another–

Matrix: Quite striking, Josh. Quite striking lovely eyes. Ha Ha…Ha. And since you asked, did you know that Commandos mate for life? It is true. Gibbons, termites, and Commandos.

Josh: All right, next question.

Matrix: If you don’t mind, I’d like to ask you a question instead.

Josh: Indeed?

Matrix: Fortune favors the bold, Joshy. I have no mate, by the way.

Josh: Just Josh.

Matrix: Okay, just Josh. Josh with the lovely blue eyes.

At this point the room begins to feel too small.

Matrix: Near the end of the movie, if you would recall Joshy, there are several long, savory shots of me rowing a boat in little green panties. At this point he reaches out and pats my knee.

Josh: Oh! That’s…a bit cosey. Let’s see. Was there a question? I grab his hand to take it off my knee, but suddenly he is now holding my hand instead.

Matrix: It’s loaded. Ha ha…ha.

Josh: Pardon?

Matrix: Begins waving the rocket launcher around the room. Now, you will comment on the sumptuous nature of my green panties. You will do it now.

Josh: Oh dear.

Matrix: We are no more talking about the deer. You will comment on panties now you will do it now Joshy you will do it NOW.

I run to the door and try the knob, but it is locked. Footsteps behind me.

Matrix: JOSHY JOSHY JOSHY HA HA HA.

Josh: Okay! Okay! I thought the scene with camouflage briefs was a bit much, but you redeemed quickly when you started stabbing everyone with that pitchfork and throwing those saw blades. No! Don’t!

I turn around and he is wearing nothing but those green camouflage panties and he is holding a pitchfork. I do not know where it came from. I do not know how I escaped, only that I did escape. If John Matrix offers to interview you, I highly recommend that you say no. Respectfully.

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{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }

Agnes May 11, 2010 at 2:33 am

Haha! You just relieved the pain I´v got from constant anestesiology studies (Yes, it´s true, anesthesia can hurt!).

Reply

Josh Hanagarne May 11, 2010 at 9:28 am

Agnes, how much more school do you have left?

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Agnes May 11, 2010 at 12:01 pm

1 1/2 years left, then I´ll change my first name to Doctor.
So glad I´ve discovered your blog; it happened when I was looking for more info on the book “Convict conditioning”.

Reply

Amy Harrison May 11, 2010 at 2:38 am

This has started my day with a good old laugh.

“Ha ha…”

“I’m not finished yet”

“Ha.”

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Josh Hanagarne May 11, 2010 at 9:27 am

Ha.

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Eduard @ People Skills Decoded May 11, 2010 at 4:33 am

Belly laughing :) . I can’t wait for the RoboCop interview…

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Josh Hanagarne May 11, 2010 at 9:27 am

RoboCop is a great idea!

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ami May 11, 2010 at 5:45 am

Hahaha! Loved this – keep sending us more.

I imagined all the dialog (at least Matrix’s side) in AHnold’s voice. Final scene is priceless. Can’t stop laughing.

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Josh Hanagarne May 11, 2010 at 9:27 am

Please stop. Stop or you may go mad and never make it back.

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Ironshef May 11, 2010 at 6:51 am

This was refreshingly bizarre. Nice one, Josh!

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Josh Hanagarne May 11, 2010 at 9:27 am

“refreshingly bizarre.” Is your life getting too normal?

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Ironshef May 11, 2010 at 10:05 am

Yikes! That thought hadn’t even crossed my mind.

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Joshua Black | The Underdog Millionaire May 11, 2010 at 8:25 am

Josh,
Once again you rule with the wierd posts.

-Joshua Black
The Underdog Millionaire

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Josh Hanagarne May 11, 2010 at 9:26 am

Once again, forever, always.

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Steph May 11, 2010 at 9:35 am

Oh my God, so many wonderful remembrances, so much eye candy! Commando is one of those movies that I love to play in the background while I knit. Blimey, you could cut ice with those cheekbones and you could float at sea with those biceps. Good times. You’re so lucky Josh… send him my love! PWOARH!

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Bill Jones May 11, 2010 at 11:11 am

If I ever see that movie again it will never be the same!

Heck I’m thinking you should interview Rocky…but I’m not sure if it would transcribe well.

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Dave Buckles May 11, 2010 at 11:26 am

Hilarious Josh! I always wondered about the deer, now I know, did you ask him where he was taking that tree in the beginning?

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Teena May 11, 2010 at 1:06 pm

Now I know that I’m not the only one in the family with this kind of humor! You totally rock Josh!

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Tomas May 11, 2010 at 1:22 pm

What were you smoking when you came up with this, Josh? It was funny. Please do one with Chuck Norris.

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Josh Hanagarne May 11, 2010 at 3:16 pm

Tomas, I was smoking the fumes of a grenade launcher.

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Tomas May 12, 2010 at 9:30 am

Haha, that was a good one! :D

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Kara May 11, 2010 at 8:00 pm

This totally made my day, but then again, when has your blog not made my day?
Keep writing, and I’ll keep smiling! :)

-Kara, the fascinated young writer.

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Boris Bachmann May 12, 2010 at 10:31 am

Great interview!

I would have asked him about the Army surplus store w. the rocket launchers, live grenades, and fully automatic weapons. I’d like to shop there next time I need a duffle bag for sandbag lifting.

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Mike T Nelson May 12, 2010 at 12:16 pm

Awesome stuff Joshy.

Rock on
Mike T Nelson PhD(c)

Reply

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