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An Ode To Dangling Body Parts – Guest Post by Larry Brooks

Larry Brooks

This is a guest post from the great Larry “Dangling Body Parts” Brooks over at Storyfix. This man can write, and he’s been a huge help to me, although he probably doesn’t know that. Today Larry is trying to prove to a doubter that he isn’t “too serious.” I’ll let you be the judge of how successful he is. I should at least get some search engine hits for “breasts.”

by Larry Brooks

It’s amazing to me that the same God who created breasts also created testicles.

That’s like Michelangelo taking time off from whittling on David to invent beer. Something that tastes good and goes down smooth, but ultimately leads to bar fights, hangovers and a belly that resembles a municipal water storage vessel.

Breasts, at least when attached to women, are monuments to feminine perfection. They are aesthetically stunning, reminding us of our purpose as men. They are also tactile and warm, reminding us why we wake up each morning with inflated johnsons and a desire to rent Barb Wire yet one more time.

Testicles, not so much. Sure, they play point guard on the procreation team, without which there would be no breasts, so let’s give them their due props. But unlike breasts, which aside from a little post-menopausal sagging continue to deliver on their great and eternal promise, testicles always disappoint.

Breasts are worn with pride. There are entire sections in department stores devoted to dressing them with style and grace, as well as the occasional leather and lace. There are magazines and television programs, not to mention massive DVD collections, each in their humble way devoted to their glory.

When they are lacking, women fake their presence, either surgically or with stuffing. This is something that has never in the history of bathing suits been attempted by a man seeking to create an illusion about his testicles. The penis, yes, but never the balls.

Testicles are kept hidden in darkness, stuffed right next to that most foul of regions in the human body. They have no icons, no media coverage of any kind. When one appears in public it is not a paparazzi event, it is a felony.

Testicles can be blamed for much of what is wrong with the world today. They are behind the proliferation of war, inner city gangs, pornography – hey, don’t blame breasts for that one; were it not for testicles we wouldn’t care – and the need to wear those uncomfortable hard plastic cups at karate class. Testicles, or the lack thereof, are the subject of black humor and denigration, associated with one’s lack of courage or, more unfairly, the inability to respond to the very breasts we worship daily.

The wayward penis, which is behind much of this trouble, gets off pretty much scott-free. In fact, it gets much of the credit when things go smoothly, which is perhaps why the feisty testicles have an attitude.

It’s all so unfair.

The most trouble breasts have ever caused was when Janet Jackson had a wardrobe malfunction during halftime at the Superbowl. Which, ironically, is about the only good thing, socially-speaking, that has ever been linked to testicles.

Perhaps the worst thing about testicles is the fact that they ultimately and cruelly betray us. They eventually shut down their ability to produce and deliver testosterone, the nectar of masculinity, into our bodies. Which means that our hairlines, our cojones and our self-image all shrink to a shadow of their former selves, our bellies bloat to Rush Limbaugh-like proportions and our ability to summon wood is as reliable as a Republican campaign promise.

This sad decline begins in our thirties, diabolically subtle at first, then increases to the point that by the time we reach retirement age in the hope of resurrecting our love of water skiing, off-track betting and reminding the wife who her daddy is, we don’t have the requisite gas in the tank.

Which is why we can thank whoever out there has come up with the phenomenon of testosterone regeneration through nutrition, natural supplementation and even the injection of it into our collective asses. The result is a second chance at everything that makes life as a man worth living for, including the beer.

Best guess, it was a woman. But she’s not admitting to it, for fear her sisters in menopause will confiscate her falsies and run her out of town.

Larry Brooks is the creator of Storyfix.com, an instructional site for writers. Having recently been accused of being “too serious,” he decided to unleash his inner Woody Allen. Until he met Josh online, he’s the only writer he knew of who can bench press his mother’s Buick.

Comments on this entry are closed.

  • Bill Jones, CSCS, MS, PT January 26, 2010, 4:52 am

    Let’s see…a post about breasts, testicles and a mention about the penis…not sure if its a good way to start the day but you know…I think its a GREAT way to start the day!

    Not too serious either!

  • Jaky Astik January 26, 2010, 5:40 am

    Hey Josh, I’ve seen you guest post on a lot of blog. Now that your blog has grown big enough, I should subscribe to it. Thanks for all the wonderful stuff you writer 🙂 I’m your new reader – Jaky Astik 🙂

  • Sue January 26, 2010, 6:19 am

    This has got to be one of the most clever and entertaining posts that I’ve read in awhile. Thank you!

    Yes, nutrition and supplements will bring back your man parts… whatever you do stay away from the pharma drugs!

    • Josh Hanagarne January 26, 2010, 10:10 am

      Sue, you will love Larry’s blog, especially if you’re a writer.

  • Todd January 26, 2010, 7:25 am

    I was enjoying until you went to the polarized political comments. Then I skipped the rest until I reached the comment box.

  • Michelle McGee January 26, 2010, 8:52 am

    Being the only pair of breasts in a house full of balls, I found this article to be amusing and a tad bit frightening! LOL! Funny stuff. Off to visit your blog now.

  • Larry January 26, 2010, 10:18 am

    @Todd — Rush Limbaugh’s gut a “polarizing political comment”? Wow. Also, thanks for illustrating the article with your avatar image. Now if we can someone to contribute a boob shot we’ll have covered both bases.

    • Todd January 26, 2010, 11:44 am

      “our bellies bloat to Rush Limbaugh-like proportions and our ability to summon wood is as reliable as a Republican campaign promise”

      @Larry Really? It was the combination of the entire sentence that made it polarized. For one thing, Limbaugh (no, I’m not a fan), has lost a lot of weight in recent years.

      Secondly, you know just as well as I do that Democrats are just as reliable in breaking campaign promises.

      • Larry January 26, 2010, 12:02 pm

        @Todd — you’re absolutely right. Just having some fun, both with the post and with you. Josh assures me you’re a good guy, and if those are your guns… dude.

        Thanks for commenting. Sorry if I went a little too political. Should have left out out the word “Republican” and it would have worked better. Ah, the learning never ends, does it?

        • Todd January 26, 2010, 12:16 pm

          @Laarry It’s all good. FWIW, I enjoyed reading your post enough to subscribe to your RSS.

          Funny — an article about the twig & berries and boobs, and I focus in on the political statement. Maybe I need to head to Cancun for a week or so. 🙂

  • Randy January 26, 2010, 11:02 am

    I had been contemplating writing a conversation between the Greek mammophiles Testiclees, Scrotamemnon and Penisteus about the fair Breastesda twins. Now I can’t.

  • Larry January 26, 2010, 11:38 am

    @Randy — dude, that’s a killer idea. I say go for it!

  • Debbie Ferm January 26, 2010, 11:48 am

    I just kept crinkling my face up more and more while reading this. The visuals. I think it’s going to take me awhile to uncrinkle:)

  • Kelly Diels January 26, 2010, 12:25 pm

    of course I love this post almost as much as I love Larry. Almost tempted to change my avatar photo to a boob shot just to help out. Almost.

  • Justin Matthews January 26, 2010, 12:36 pm

    Oh Larry, you are one of the best. We can all learn so much about writing well from you. Great story to start my day!
    -Justin

  • Lori January 26, 2010, 5:03 pm

    Welcome to the land of goofy, Larry.

    First, Gordie shows up with an, umm, interesting lead photo, and now you with your body parts I shall leave unnamed.

    What next, Josh?

    (It’s all as funny as hell, and Larry, you KNOW I love your writing!)
    😉

  • Mike January 26, 2010, 6:39 pm

    Hilarious…
    This sounds like a great comedy bit that would get a barrel of laughs at a live show. Good stuff!

    Mike

  • Nazima Ali January 26, 2010, 7:56 pm

    Awesome! Thanks for this dose of funny.

  • Joey | R. J. Spindle January 27, 2010, 12:44 pm

    Thanks for a GREAT post. However, I disagreed with Brooks about balls SO much, I had to write a post of my own in response. Haha!

    Bouncing Balls | A Treatise on Testicles

    http://rjspindle.com/2010/01/27/bouncing-balls-a-treatise-on-testicles/

    Thanks for keeping it real, Josh.

    • Josh Hanagarne January 27, 2010, 2:45 pm

      If I am indeed keeping it real, you are welcome!

  • Mark January 28, 2010, 10:31 am

    Larry,

    Thanks for the excellent writing, the post and every male baby boomer’s angst!

    Glad to see other baby boomers contributing to Josh’s blog.

    Boomer54

    Mark

  • April Morelock January 29, 2010, 10:31 am

    OMG… that was the best thing I’ve read in ages. Excellent post.

    April