Good grief, somebody watched Frost/Nixon too many times. I’m not sure what his problem was, but Teen Wolf had been hounding (sorry) me for months and months for an interview. I usually jump at the chance to get my name out there, and interviews have been a greatway to do it.
But I could sense something wrong, something false behind his requests for an interview. I talked to a friend who said, “Look, any publicity is good publicity. Just do it. He’ll throw you softballs.
The interview went on forever, so I’m only able to reproduce the following excerpt. We’re jumping in here just as things were starting to get heated, and we’re exiting before things actually got violent.
Josh: What do you mean, “How does it feel to be a big stupid four eyes?” I might just as well ask you how it felt to release your stupid movie in 1985? Must have been bittersweet, your big turn in the spotlight coming on the heels of Ghostbusters, Spinal Tap, The Temple of Doom, Gremlins, Amadeus, and Repo Man. Good grief, even Starman was better than Teen Wolf.
Teen Wolf: But none of those movies had break dancing in them.
Josh: Breakin’ came out in 1984 as well. Teen wolf had that one shot in the hallway where that black guy gives you five after you do a poor back spin. Watch Breakin’. You’ve got nothing on Turbo and Ozone.
Teen Wolf: Yeah, well, did you see that scene with Pam where, after we’re doing the play rehearsal, she takes off her–
Josh: That was in the script, though, right?
Teen Wolf: …
Josh: She had to do that because that’s what the script said.
Teen Wolf: Didn’t you mean to say, “My name is Josh. DUR. DUR DUR DUR. I’m a big know-it-all idiot! DUR.”
Josh: That doesn’t sound like something I’d say.
Teen Wolf: Yeah, well, did you see how when I walked into the gym at the big dance, how the music changes, and the song is that “Big Bad Wolf” song, and how everyone starts doing the wolf dance? I bet that made you jealous.
Josh: Please. When I walk into a library, everyone starts doing the Overdue Book dance. It’s way cooler, and I never have to wait for an occasion like a big school dance to drive people wild.
Teen Wolf: But I totally won the basketball game with those free throws at the very end, and I taught everyone a valuable lesson about being themself.
Teen Wolf: What?
Josh: You meant to say “themselves.”
Teen Wolf: Shut up.
Josh: As for those free throws, I do have a question about them. Why was Mick allowed–
Teen Wolf: I showed Mick, that’s for sure. What? What? Nothing to say?
Josh: —allowed to stand under the basket and glare at you while you shot? I mean, the game was over. He should have sat on the bench with everyone else. In a movie about a teenage werewolf, this might have been the most implausible part.
Teen Wolf: Well, you obviously never played bas–
Josh: Oh, I did. I once won a game against our most hated rivals by stealing the ball at the last second. They had been chanting “Twitch! Twitch! Twitch!” the whole game. I had long red hair in dreadlocks, and I was skinny and had Tourette’s, so hostile crowds always loved me. But I won the game, and then I ran out to center court and stomped on top of their mascot. The crowd erupted, but they erupted in my direction. That’s way better than your stupid free throws.
Teen Wolf: Is not.
Josh: My real question about the end of your game–
Teen Wolf: (baby voice) My weal kweshion about the end of your game
Josh: Up in the crowd, after you make those free throws–they were in the script as well, let’s not forget–in the upper right corner of the bleachers, there’s a guy with his fly undone. Then, when the camera shows the crowd, he zips up his pants really fast. Was he a friend of yours?
Teen Wolf: …
Teen Wolf: Pamela totally wanted to kiss me! She did! It wasn’t because of the script.
Josh: Yeah. 1984 was a good year for movies.
Teen Wolf: Okay? And your point is?
Josh: Yours came out in 1985, right?
At this point, Teen Wolf leaped across the desk at me. He was immediately dealt with in a manner that did not please him greatly. And though he will spend the rest of his days with a sippy cup, I am pleased that he was able to share post 300 with me.
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