“How do you get people to read your blog?” I get that question a lot.
Also: “Your blog is stupid, it’s only a matter of time before you crash and burn and spiral headlong into a volcano except that your head is so gigantic it will probably plug up the volcano which will then erupt in the opposite direction and destroy the earth’s core.”
I really knew I’d arrived once people could muster up the energy to hate me.
To that second question, I merely shrug and say, “If that is how I am to meet my end, so be it.” But to the first one, the answers are very, very simple.
1. Buy a dose of Tourette’s Syndrome, inject it into your brain, start punching yourself in the face, joke about it, film it, repeat endlessly. Watch the people flock.
2. Read The 48 Laws of Power and apply its lessons to your blogging dynasty. May it last a million eons.
The 48 Laws of Power
I got interested in this book after James Chartrand from Men With Pens encouraged me to read Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion. When I looked that book up on Amazon, 48 Laws was in one of those “so you wanna” Amazon lists with too many exclamation points in them.
I think it was something like, “So you wanna be the World’s Strongest Librarian and get lots of readers and pretend you don’t know how it happened?”
Yes, I thought. And so I bought The 48 Laws of Power, mainly because I could tell the book was full of stories. Stories about catastrophic failures of leadership and stories about people who grabbed power by obeying the tidily summarized 48 laws.
I like stories. I like them even better when they help me achieve sinister aims.
Examples of the laws and how I use them to build this blog
Crush Your Enemy Totally
You have only to look around at what used to be the Internet to see how expertly I have employed this tactic. I thought I’d be lonely after driving every other website off the web, but it’s kind of nice, and the echoes of my typing is soothing in these new halls of solitude. Occasionally I hear rumors of other blogs, but I never leave this page, so I wouldn’t know anything about that nonsense.
There’s a plaque on my wall that says, “Every time I push publish, somewhere, a blog dies.” Wait, no, that’s someone else.
I do much better when my enemies are things, versus people. I’m a pushover with people.
Keep Others In Suspended Terror: Cultivate An Air Of Unpredictability
Admit it! You’re here because I manipulate you into a state of suspended terror, yes? Wait, what do you mean “no?” I can only assume that by your confused answer, I have you so rattled by my unpredictability that you have lost your senses for the moment. All the better for me.
Play a Sucker To Catch A Sucker – Seem Dumber Than Your Mark
And only now, at the end of all things, do you see how the trap is sprung! You thought that the guy who wore his wife’s pink shirt, the guy who tried to heat up an iron by putting it on the stove, the guy who…
He only “seems” dumb and careless and fashion-challenged. Phase B is about to start.
Disdain Things You Cannot Have
Who wants a lustrous head of hair? Not me. Who wants to know how to divide fractions? I spit on fractions. Who wants to eat a hamburger without accidentally having his finger inside of it and biting it until its bloody? Only fools.
Avoid Stepping Into A Great Man’s Shoes
This is easy. I don’t wear shoes.
Never Appear Too Perfect
I may be the best in the universe at this. Nobody has ever accused me of being perfect. It’s the perfect smoke screen.
This I’ve had a hard time with. Despite my best efforts at blobbery and sloth, I remain a rugged, chiseled animal, and more so by the minute. I have a very definite form, and I’ve been told (by myself) that my silhouette is the stuff of romance novel covers.
About this book
Joking aside, I loved this book. It’s got stories of incredible ruthlessness, unbelievable ambition, and a whole lot of what I consider to be mentally ill, power-mad lunatics.
But they got theirs. The 48 Laws Of Power bills itself as a business book for people who are willing to do anything to get ahead. That’s not me, but the stories are really, really good.
Is there an opposite to being a businessman? That’s whatever I am. But if you are an amoral, driven , bloodthirsty blogger or business-minded individual, you could do worse than to follow the 48 Laws.
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