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I’ve Joined A Gang That You Shouldn’t Mess With

Author’s update: Adam T. Glass has made a convincing case to join my gang.  I am bumping Pinhead to honorable mention, but if he shows up to complain, Adam will have to fight him off.

The other night I was out alone on our street, getting something out of my truck. It was a rare, silent moment in our neighborhood. Without reason, I suddenly felt exposed, vulnerable. My heart raced and I hurried inside.

Stupid, I thought, once I was sitting on my couch. But the feeling of anxiety persisted for a while. So, to make myself feel better, I began picking out members of the gang that I would summon, should serious trouble ever really befall me.

Not an hour had passed before they had all agreed to come and fight with me, should I ever need them.

1. Pinhead from Hellraiser

Pinhead is pretty much the king of Hell. He’s very tough, has a scary voice, and all of the nails sticking out of his skull are intimidating, in my cowardly opinion. When he says things like “I long to bathe in your tears,” nobody feels brave for too long.

2.Dalton From Roadhouse

Come on now, do I really have to elaborate on this? The baddest bouncer with the feathered hair and the philosophy PhD from NYU? Lines like “Nobody wins a fight” would quickly defuse most situations.


3. John Mclane

If you have to ask, you’re not ready for the answer.



4. Blacula

Aka Prince Mumwalde, this guy knew how to get things done. He sounded a lot like Darth Vader and the ladies couldn’t resist him. Also, my dad has his autograph.


5. Bill The Butcher

Gangs of New York wasn’t perfect, but Bill was. Fashion sense, good with a cleaver, disorienting diction, and a glass eye that he could tap on with the point of a knife for emphasis.

How about you? Now, if you feel like coming for me, you know what you’ll be up against. I suggest you put your own gang together.

Who’s with you?

Josh

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  • Casey Brazeal (North and Clark) December 28, 2009, 3:50 am

    I am rolling with the Thunder Cats. Liono, Panthro and I will roll anybody.

    • Josh Hanagarne December 28, 2009, 10:03 am

      You will not roll anybody, but that is a very solid choice. With the Thundercats comes Snarf. Be careful.

  • Henri @ Wake Up Cloud December 28, 2009, 5:58 am

    Bruce Lee, Batman, The Terminator, Hulk and a Mozart to play the piano, increases the drama-effect.

    • Josh Hanagarne December 28, 2009, 10:04 am

      Which Batman? The George Clooney one with the nipples on the batsuit? hahahahaha.

  • Andrew Frenette December 28, 2009, 7:01 am

    Conan of Cimmeria (not the dude from the movies, the dude from the books), Snake Plissken, Dirty Harry, Spawn (from the graphic stories, not the movie), General Maximus Decimus Meridius. Bring it….

    • Josh Hanagarne December 28, 2009, 10:04 am

      I LOVE SNAKE PLISSKEN. Oh, and Maximus is a good one. And bravo on Conan, the guy from the books used a stone for a pillow.

  • Julianne Fuchs-Musgrave December 28, 2009, 7:50 am

    Creasy (Man on Fire), Ripley (Alien et al), Marge Gunderson (Fargo), and my late grandmother. Ida Lee was less than 5′ but kept a 38 next to her bible in the nightstand, a shotgun in the bedroom closet and knew how–and when to use them.

    • Josh Hanagarne December 28, 2009, 10:05 am

      Creasy, awesome choice. My late grandmother was also named Ida. She was still going hunting when she turned 80.

  • Mike December 28, 2009, 8:08 am

    haha… awesome idea.
    Since the Thundercats are taken I’ll have to settle with these guys:

    Drago – killed Apollo and would’ve beat Rocky if it weren’t a movie.

    Steven Segull – the king of 3 word movie titles.

    Van Damme – try defending his punch to the groin while doing the splits?

    Chung Li – the thickest and strongest Asian dude I’ve ever seen.

  • Heather December 28, 2009, 8:20 am

    Chow Yun Phat–philosophy, at least 6 guns

    Wonder Woman

    Ibid on Dalton from “Roadhouse”

    Dierra (fantasy character I created in my RP days—red-headed, High Magick, a carrier falcon named Austyn who could carry messages on behalf of the living, the dead, and the undead, ass-kicking legs as well as an ass-kicking wardrobe)

    Of course, I could just beat someone to death with my purse. I bet Janette could do the same thing with her purse. Lift some woman’s purse sometime, Josh. It may not feel like much to you, but to the average person and most chiropractors, the average woman’s purse does one of two things—throws somebody’s back out, has a chiropractor’s eyes lighting up with dollar signs and dreams of The Ultimate Vacation. You should ask my former chiropractor sometime. It’s partially how she bought a house in Florida (she lives in WV).

  • Heather December 28, 2009, 8:25 am

    Oh, feces! John McClane! “Yipee-kai-yay” indeed! 🙂

  • Todd December 28, 2009, 8:26 am

    I’d have to go with Predator, Optimus Prime, and Johnny Dangerously, and Ash Williams from Army of Darkness just in case we run into some zombies and chit.

    • Josh Hanagarne December 28, 2009, 10:06 am

      That’s pretty formidable. The Predator and Mickey Rourke.

  • Eric | Eden Journal December 28, 2009, 8:42 am

    Here’s the gang I’d roll with.

    Tony Jaa, star of “Ong Bak.” He’s my current favorite martial arts movie star. Ong Bak is a must see if you’re into that type of movie. It’s subtitled though, so be prepared to read.

    Snake. From the Metal Gear Solid video game series. That dude is a bad mofo.

    B.A. Baracus. “I pitty the fool.”

    Yoda. “Size matters not, … Look at me. Judge me by size, do you?”

    Leeloo Minai Lekarariba-Laminai-Tchai Ekbat De Sebat. From the 5th element. Kicking butt with style and beauty.

    • Josh Hanagarne December 28, 2009, 10:06 am

      Eric, have you seen The Protector? I loved Ong Bak, love Tony Jaa, and I think The Protector is his best movie so far.

      • Eric | Eden Journal December 28, 2009, 3:00 pm

        Yeah, the protector was great. A little bit cheasy with the whole elephant thing, but still a great movie. I do love how he crushes his foes with those flying knees to the head.

  • Randy December 28, 2009, 10:18 am

    1) Beatrix Kiddo
    2) Billy Jack
    3) Nikita (La Femme)
    4) Leon (the Professional)
    and just in case
    5) The Toxic Avenger

  • Johan Mares December 28, 2009, 11:06 am

    So many good ones already taken:

    – Wolverine (X-Men)
    – Darth Maul (Sith)
    – Rorsach (Watchmen)
    – Duke Nukem (game character)
    – Bob Howard (computer hacker and demonologist)

    No one included a geek in their dream team. So I though it would give me an edge. Bob Howard is the main protagonist in the scifi novels ‘The Jennifer Morgue’ and ‘The Atrocity Archives’ by Charles Stross.

  • Jessica Marie December 28, 2009, 11:14 am

    1) Wolverine – attractive and deadly
    2) Batman – Christian Bale not George Clooney
    3) Iron Man – Shiny but tough
    4) Jule Winfield from Pulp Fiction – can’t quote scripture and hurt you at the same time.

  • Elizabeth December 28, 2009, 12:25 pm

    Wolverine would be awesome to have, but I see he’s taken a couple of times already. Oh well.

    For me – Jack Bauer, Chuck Norris and… that’s probably more than enough right there. 😉

  • Debbie Ferm December 28, 2009, 1:04 pm

    I may invite a couple of those guys over even if I wasn’t in trouble…

    and I would invite Michael Buble to sing.

  • Michael Stagg December 28, 2009, 1:12 pm

    Here’s My Crew- What You Gone Do?!

    Goku from DBZ – Kicks much booty! Bonus: He’s a Saiyan to boot so even if you LUCK UP & beat him he’ll come back and tear you a new one! LOL

    The Zenomorph creature from the Alien franchise and his “buddy” the Predator – ‘Nuff Said

    Critters (little furballs w/ like a gazillion teeth) – Because I’m environmentally conscious … they will gobble up anything in their path so no there’s no refuse left lying around. LOL

    Finally The Phoenix from X-Men – Again, ‘Nuff Said

    Now bring it! :o) This was a fun one Josh! Thanks!

  • Tim December 28, 2009, 1:23 pm

    Josh:

    Funny post…I love your line about Pinhead being “the king of hell.” Here’s a couple of mine:

    1. The Scooby Doo gang…if I was in trouble I’d give this gang a call. We’d have lots of laughs as we were being chased. I’d probably spend half my time flirting with Daphne, which would probably get my mind off my problems. I figure, at the end of all this, the problem would be resolved and we could hang out at the malt shop.
    2. Detective Vic Mackey from the Shield. He’s one bad dude and would find a way, legally or not, to take care of things.
    3. Uma Thurman’s character (the Bride) from the Kill Bill movies.

    Thanks for a very cool post!

  • Adam T Glass December 28, 2009, 2:47 pm

    I own a 4′ 2″X4″ with a rusty nail sticking out of it. My presence is worth 3 real men, plus15 fictional movie characters. I do all my own stunts and require no special effects. I say pin head gets bumped and i take his place.

    • Josh Hanagarne December 28, 2009, 2:54 pm

      Adam, it’s a deal, but if Pinhead shows up complaining, you have to fight him off.

  • Daisy December 28, 2009, 6:51 pm

    The toughest “dude” on my side is the teacher down the hall – with her red pen and knitting needles she can lance anyone who gets in her way. I’m glad she’s on my side!

  • Adam T Glass December 28, 2009, 7:37 pm

    Josh, I got his ass. His weakness’s inclube rubix cubes, mouse haired B movie actresses, at least you don’t forget I am the guy who carries around a 25lbs stainless steel hammer. You know what they say about a man holding a hammer…

  • Boris Bachmann December 28, 2009, 8:13 pm

    Snake Plisken was mentioned and he’s great, but not as good as Jack Burton.

  • Kelly Diels December 28, 2009, 10:12 pm

    How is that I did not make this list? I am very scary. I am a man-eater. I AM SO.

  • Gordie December 28, 2009, 10:34 pm

    Just two more members are enough for me- Richard Dawkins and Noam Chomsky. They can intellectualize anyone into submission. 🙂

  • Kris Wragg December 29, 2009, 5:22 am

    Most of the good ones already have gangs, but I’d go for:

    Bananaman (80’s cartoon character) as long as he didn’t eat all my bananas!
    Hong Kong Fuey
    Hulk Hogan (purely for the comedy, I’m sure he’s a bit old for fighting now)
    Warf (from Star Trek) because you don’t mess with Klingons!

  • Daniel O'Connor December 29, 2009, 7:52 am

    The Blind Swordsman.

    Then-cut the lights.