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The Lovely Gloves I Almost Bought At A Porn Shop

As you know by now, the symptoms of my Tourette’s are always there, but they shift all the time.  When I wake up each morning, I have no idea what the day’s tics are going to be like.

A couple of years ago, I hopped out of bed and proceeded to scratch my face to pieces.  Here’s a picture from that evening:

I will not help you find Twilight

No, I will not help you find the Twilight books, Ma'am

It was really annoying.  I was bleeding constantly and before long I was scratching too close to my eyes for comfort.  Being this beautiful wouldn’t be any fun if I was blind and couldn’t kiss the mirror.  And soon I would be so disfigured that Janette wouldn’t want to kiss me either.

What to do…

Janette suggested that I try wearing some gloves.  This was a very good idea that I had considered.  But I had to type all day at work and didn’t know what sort of gloves would be tight enough and still give me the flexibility to work a keyboard.

But then I remembered that Trinity wore those skintight gloves all through The Matrix and she typed her butt off.  Who was going to have tight leather clothes?  Not Burlington Coat Factory.  Not JCPenney.  I even tried a couple of car dealerships looking for driving gloves.

Nothing.

I was nearly in the depths of despair when I realized that I hadn’t hit any of the naughty fetish stores. The next morning I was in The Blue Boutique at 10 AM.  I couldn’t believe how many people were already there.  Weird guys snuffled around clearing their throats constantly.

Hey!  Where The Leather At?

I approached the woman behind the counter and asked where the leather gloves were.

“What?”  It was like she’d never heard of the word.  We don’t carry leather.”

What the crap? Was this even possible?  It was my first time in the store.  I couldn’t help but wonder if she was pulling my leg.  But then the weird guys milling all around answered my question–this woman probably didn’t joke a whole lot at work.

“We have some prom-type gloves,” she continued. I was caught off guard so I said, “Sure!  Where are they?”

She took me to a case with a bunch of elbow-length satin gloves.  It occurred to me that I could say I wanted them for any reason on earth and it wouldn’t shock her.  She had been to the wars and was beyond the reach of surprise.

“Do you think I could type in these?” I asked.

She raised one eyebrow.  “That’s a new one.”  

No sale

I didn’t leave with those frilly gloves.  I try not to take myself too seriously, but I do reserve the right for those times when joking is not appropriate.  I knew that if I started wandering around with my big forearms in long pink or pastel blue gloves I’d never be able to look myself in the eye again.

So I started sitting on my hands at work and typing in furious bursts.  When the urge would strike, I’d jump on top of my hands again and wait them out.

It did make me happy that I was able to surprise a person who had thought she had seen it all. I just don’t know what kind of respectable smut shop doesn’t have any leather.

Honestly…

Josh

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  • Stefan October 13, 2009, 1:13 am

    It actually is kind of weird that they do not have leather. Even though I have never been into a real sexshop I do visit plenty of them online to do research for my own shop (selling condoms). You would think all of them sold something as simple as leather.

  • Greg October 13, 2009, 4:49 am

    That’s commitment.

    I think I’d have gone for some running gloves… Can’t blame you for passing on the pink though.

  • Stephanie Smith October 13, 2009, 5:24 am

    Josh, dude -you have to go to a leather fetish store or one that is heavy into BDSM! Duh! 🙂
    What about medical gloves? Some of the nitrile powderless gloves fit like a second skin and are tough to puncture. I use them to…clean house silly!
    Online there are leather resources -even mechanics gloves or motorcycle gloves might be an option. But the medical gloves will be the best for typing.
    Bet you thought I wouldn’t have those answers….why are people so freaked out by visiting a sex store anyway. Guess it comes from growing up in Denmark -Americans are too prudish by far.

  • Shane October 13, 2009, 6:26 am

    Josh,

    What about keeping a stack of IronMind green or yellow bars with you at all times. The moment you get urges, just bend a bar. Might help.

  • Ben (from TIC) October 13, 2009, 6:40 am

    I agree with Stephanie–give medical gloves a try, which I also use to clean the house. Maybe carrying around an extra large keyboard would help? I found a couple of those online. That way you can use toxic waste gloves to type.

  • Heather October 13, 2009, 7:15 am

    I’m with Steph on this one for the nedical glvoes. But man, what kinda fetsih store doesn’t have leather? Are you SURE you were in the right joint? As someone who, in her misspent (but damn fun) youth spent a considerable time in porn joints–and some high-class ones at that–there HAD to have been some leather up in there! That chick must have been new or something!

    • Josh Hanagarne October 13, 2009, 8:01 am

      @Heather: I actually tried the medical gloves. I should have mentioned that. They made me sweat so badly that it actually felt worse than the scratching. Hard to explain, but that’s how it felt.

      @Ben: I want an extra large keyboard for my birthday, built into a sandwich board I can walk around in.

      @Shane: Might help, but thankfully that phase was short lived and rarely reappears. The fewer iron bars up by my face (outside of workouts), the better. I just never know.

      @Stephanie: Denmark, huh? I confess, it was a new experience for me. Nothing too eye-opening, but a first nonetheless.

      @Greg: I’ve actually never heard of running gloves. I’ll take a look.

      @Stefan: Maybe she was just trying to trick me. I don’t know. I was as surprised as it sounds like all of you are.

  • Pete | The Tango Notebook October 13, 2009, 7:58 am

    You should have searched “photography gloves!” My friend is a shutterbug and has these super thin gloves that look cooler (and less sexual) than leather gloves. Got plenty o’ dexterity ability, too! I don’t have a link for you, but it’s just a thought. Before he got those, he used prom gloves 🙂

    • Josh Hanagarne October 13, 2009, 8:02 am

      @Pete: I’ll look those up. This phase might come back at any time, so it would be good to be ready.

  • Casey October 13, 2009, 8:11 am

    Don’t know much about leather fetish stuff, but I do know my motorcycle gloves are very tight and have good dexterity, plus you can get them for cheap!

    • Josh Hanagarne October 13, 2009, 9:52 am

      @Casey: If this happens again, I’ll hit the motorcycle and photographer store.

  • Stephanie Smith October 13, 2009, 9:54 am

    Yes-Europe is much less concerned about nudity and they are more open about their sexuality. It’s nothing to be ashamed of -2 consenting adults and all that! Heather is right, you must have a crappy sex store there. Try online – I’ll email you some sites. Broaden your horizens so to speak! Denmark -7years – It’s one of the 3 languages I speak.

  • Derek October 13, 2009, 10:46 am

    I think you should have gotten the frilly gloves, and thrown in a matching boa to boot. You’d have been the best accessorized librarian in the department…

    • Josh Hanagarne October 13, 2009, 10:54 am

      @Derek: That would be a triumph in this stylish department.

  • john dalton October 13, 2009, 11:04 am

    thats a good excuse josh, love it , love it . im going to try and see if it works with my wife,ive been wanting to go to a smut shop for awhile now,

    • Josh Hanagarne October 13, 2009, 11:06 am

      John, if you’re my cousin, you probably have Tourette’s. Go for it!

  • john dalton October 13, 2009, 11:12 am

    im not sure if i am your cousin ,my mom was kinda a slut, but still a lady,but if i am related im going to go get the gloves as soon as im off of work,I think a nice soft blue to go with my eyes would be best for me,

  • Beth L. Gainer October 13, 2009, 1:45 pm

    Funny posting! Is that rubber face what you are wearing for Halloween? Yeah, frilly gloves would not look so good on you. 🙂

  • Casey Brazeal (North and Clark) October 13, 2009, 2:33 pm

    Good Post

    Are you taking bets on when you get to a thousand readers? I am saying Dec. 1.

    • Josh Hanagarne October 13, 2009, 3:28 pm

      @Casey B: That would be nice Dec 1. is my birthday.

      @WFS: Thanks. It looks like we’re all pretty aghast. This has been a funny thread.

  • We Fly Spitfires October 13, 2009, 3:19 pm

    Great article 🙂 I’m as aghast as you are about the lacking leather selling in sex shops!

  • Annabel Candy October 13, 2009, 5:22 pm

    Don’t tell me you left the shop empty handed?! This reminded me of the scratchy mitts you get for babies who are also prone to scratching their little faces. They are made of soft white cotton though so may not enhance your macho image much. Also they are mittens so typing would be hard:)

    I have a great porn shop story too but not sure that I should share it as it may compromise my Get In the Hot Spot branding somewhat:) Suffice to say it involves a butt plug which turned out to be a butt probe and a friend with a 4 week old baby pick it out in the porn shop. Ouch.

  • Larissa October 13, 2009, 5:49 pm

    Hey Josh, that is really absurb that there would be no leather. . . I saw your answer to a post above about your hands sweating in the latex gloves. Was it just the gloves, or are your hands prone to sweating? Just asking because my son’s hands sweat all the time, and I’ve read off and on that it’s linked to Tourette’s. Thanks! 🙂

    • Josh Hanagarne October 13, 2009, 7:20 pm

      @Larissa: I’d actually never heard that about hands sweating and TS. I’m pretty sure in my case it was because of the gloves.

      @Annabel: I left with a nurse outfit for myself.

      @Sernan: basically it looks like a Victoria’s Secret from the outside. Mannequins in lingerie. Inside it looks like a department store full of men, all looking at women’s clothes.

      • Larissa October 16, 2009, 12:43 am

        @Josh . . yeah, I was mistaken. . I was reading about some anxiety issues that can be secondary to TS. . losing my mind 🙂

  • Sernan October 13, 2009, 5:49 pm

    i got curious about those gloves from the porn shop, i grew up with a conservative background here and our culture does not accept those stores… what does it look like? hehehehe….

  • Daisy October 13, 2009, 7:18 pm

    I type in fingerless gloves – my classroom is drafty, and the heat doesn’t go on until the students arrive — but that wouldn’t help in your case.
    Next time, look for snug gardening gloves. I have some thin ones that might work for typing. Home Depot might not be as much fun as the porn shop, though. Sorry.

  • John October 14, 2009, 11:18 am

    haha great story Josh. Have you tried batting gloves?

  • Megan Horton October 14, 2009, 2:43 pm

    I can’t believe the Blue Boutique doesn’t carry leather!! I’ve been in there too although I’m not going to say for what, and the people that are in there are creepy….
    The men seem all sweaty and the women are all embarassed. I went there with Janette once. We both vowed to never go in again. I think we’ve both managed to keep that promise. Eh Janette?

  • Vanessa October 21, 2009, 3:49 pm

    You’d look great in pink prom gloves!
    Though Im sure Id much rather be directed to the Twilight saga books by a Librarian who is cut than one in pink prom gloves.
    When our little Joshy was in the hospital recently he had what were told was a severe ‘paradoxical reaction’ to opiates and was tearing apart his face, punching himself and scratching nonstop. I hated having to watch and being utterly powerless. First we wrapped his hand in baby diapers, super soft but that didnt last long. Jordan and I had to hold his hands down for an hour until they restrained him. I felt horrible about restraining him so I fashioned him mittens out of the softest fleece I could find. Lasted a bit longer. But I guess didnt satisfy because they made him scratch even more.
    The fits lasted a bit over 24 hours.

    Trinity wore latex gloves I think. Im not sure how the 2nd grade teachers and kids would react if I sent our kiddo to school in pleather. I pray it never happens again.

    Im sure youve found a solution by now? If not, let me know if you still need a place to get leather gloves. I have a friend who knows of an awesome leather glove website. Not really a friend. Just an acquaintance. More like an acquaintance of an acquaintance actually.

    • Josh Hanagarne October 21, 2009, 4:16 pm

      Poor little guy. Nothing is harder for us untameable beasts than to be caged. I found a solution–I no longer have fingers, and therefore I have no fingernails. I’m really annoyed that I don’t get to come see you guys next week.