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10 Scandalous Confessions From A Super-Sexy Idiot-Genius

I thought today might be the day I got some topless photos of myself on the blog, but I dropped my camera in a urinal while foiling a robbery.  Long story…

So until I get a new camera, I thought I’d lay it all on the line for you in a steamy tell-all.  For your voyeuristic, deviant delight, here are some brief stories of my greatest achievements (prior to stopping the robbery).

Upon request, I will elaborate on each story in further posts.

Shh!  Sexy genius at work!

Grandmaster Josh And The Furious Fingers

1.  Pass the marigolds, please

A little boy with a big head and a bigger imagination sat on his mother’s lap as she read Mr. Gopher. Mr. Gopher liked to eat Marigolds.  The boy’s mother had a marigold garden.  The nice doctors in the ER had a fine time picking the long, painful, delicious, fragrant seeds out of young Josh’s throat.  The lesson?  Never read stories to children.

2. The cloven head

I went chopping wood for the winter with my father.  My job was to chop dead twigs off the trees for kindling.  Some of the twigs were more alive than they appeared–and more springy.  My double-bladed hatchet rebounded off one and flew straight into my scalp.  I have an awesome axe scar in my head.  Read more in Two Super-Awesome Stories About Scars.

3. Dangling by the Doc

Do not practice handstand pushups while wearing Doc Martens.  The loop on the back of my boot draped over the hinge of a door at work.  When my arms gave out, I was trapped, hanging upside down from the door of our meeting room.  I was able to curl all the way up and unlace myself, then promptly fell out of my boot.  After regaining consciousness moments later, I heard the sweet sounds of my happy staff arriving for work.  Nobody had to know, but it was too good of a story to hoard.  I believe the boot is still hanging from that door.

4. The fastest tire change in history

As a gawky but lusty lad, I didn’t date as often as I’d like, so when I did trick someone into going out with me, I needed everything to be perfect, including my punctuality.  No!  No!  A flat tire threatened to derail my plans and thwart my hormones.  I changed the tire quicker than anyone ever has, then jumped into the car only to find…I had changed a perfectly good tire and put the spare on.  The flat tire was still flat.  I got no lovin’ that night.

5. The fine line between electric razors and toothbrushes

If you are going to use them both, just use them one at a time.  Having a razor in one hand and a toothbrush in the other was a poor decision that early in the morning.  A shocking, shredding wake up call.

6. In the closet (not a metaphor)

In the middle of the night, I needed to pee so bad I started crying, but I couldn’t find the doorknob.  When an exasperated family member finally turned on the light and said “What are you doing?” I realized I was trying to get out of my bedroom–through the back of the closet.

7.  Cooking while the iron’s hot

My mother didn’t take our home economic schooling seriously enough.  She asked me to heat up the iron so she could iron our clothes.  I got the iron, placed it on the stove, and turned the stove on.  My mother came in and we looked at each other for what felt like a very long time.

8. The old switcharoo or…under the covers

I checked out Stephen King’s Misery from the bookmobile when I was young.  My mom read it and said “You’re not reading any more Stephen King.”  Two weeks later I checked out two books: Stephen King’s The Tommyknockers and Piers Anthony’s harmless young adult fantasy tale, The Color Of Her Panties. I slipped Panties over the cover of The Tommyknockers and congratulated myself on my cunning.  I would fool her yet!

“You’re not reading any more Piers Anthony, either,” she said.

9. Rotator cuff trouble

While rehabbing a shoulder injury, I found extremely hot muscle-rub creams to be a wonderful help–when used on my shoulder.  One day after jumping out of the shower, I put the cream on my hands, rubbed my shoulder, got a bad itch downtown, and wound up scratching frantically at my crotch before realizing that my hands were covered in scented lava.  It was a difficult day.

10. Look out below! (I’m actually pretty happy about this one)

My tics were really bad (noisy) right before a university lecture on Frankenstein. Before the teacher arrived, the student in front of me insisted that I change seats or “shut up.”  I grabbed his textbooks and threw them out the window.  We were up on the second floor.  The teacher scolded anyone who had come unprepared. But those of us who had our books were fine.

And that, my friends, is how you bare your soul for the greater good.

I will gladly suffer any indignity if it gives me a great story to tell.  It’s always worth it.

Now it’s your turn.  I know you have some stories.  Aren’t my ten at least one of yours?

Josh

PS: Did you get a free guest post from me yet?


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  • Gordie Rogers September 11, 2009, 12:43 am

    Scratching at your crotch for a day is bad enough . Try doing it for three humid summer months each year with a case of scrot rot. Not nice. 😉

  • Laura - The Journal of Cultural Conversation September 11, 2009, 5:34 am

    This had me laughing out loud…I particularly like the fastest tire change and the electric/razors toothbrush, but they are all so sweet (because you were so honest and funny). I only have one to share – but it really wasn’t my fault! The first funeral I went to was a grandmother of my high school boyfriend. I was 16 – I walked in and I was wearing the exact same dress as she was (yep, the dead woman). So many stories have come from that. Oh so many, but that’s my signature one.

    Chat soon Josh!

  • Ayelet September 11, 2009, 5:54 am

    But you can eat marigolds! The wedding planner in “Monsoon Wedding” ate them all the time. But that might just be Bollywood.

    The only story I can think of was one birthday morning when my dad came to wake me up for school. I nearly jumped out of bed (and scared the s*** out of him in the process) and asked/yelled “Guess what day it is?!”

    Guess what I get asked every birthday by my family? 🙂

  • Robby G September 11, 2009, 6:14 am

    Nice stories lol!
    One I can think off the top of my head was when one night I woke up (or at least I thought I did) early one morning and really needed to take a whiz. Ended up going to the kitchen and taking it in the garbage bin. My dad was in the kitchen looking in the fridge and looks over at me in a complete “WTF?” look on his face. I was very young and half-asleep, and really didn’t find the diff between the toilet and the bin.
    One of many un-normal stories from me 🙂

  • Beth L. Gainer September 11, 2009, 6:15 am

    Josh, this post was so hilarious, I was dying laughing. WOW!! You’ve had some really amazing things happen in your life.

    I do have some good stories, and I’ll be posting one on my Currents blog. Yes, I have three blogs because I’m a write-aholic. I’ll send you the link when it’s finished but just to give you a taste: it involves toilets in China. Yup. Great toilet story coming to a blogosphere near you. But it’s not too gross.

    Here’s a story of when I was in junior high. I took up the flute because the cool kids thought the flute was, well, cool. I couldn’t get a sound out of it. Instead, I would try my hardest …. until I passed out. One can pass out with their eyes open because my teacher didn’t notice in my orchestra class. By the time I regained consciousness, I had missed a lesson on how to read music, and so when we were playing, I was faking it. Finally, I got a beautiful long sound out. Got so excited, tried it again, no sound.

    I transferred into art class. Lesson: never play wind instruments lest you get winded.

    BTW, I notice you have guitars (pretty astute, aren’t I?). I play guitar, learning how to. Waiting for the burning in my fingers to subside, and then I’ll be back at it. Love the guitar.

  • Blaine Moore September 11, 2009, 6:29 am

    When I was in college, I met a woman at a neighboring school. As I was getting ready to make my way to pick her up for the first time, my roommate offered to let me borrow his Mustang so I wouldn’t have to pick her up in my crappy car. Thankfully, I declined.

    The weather took a turn for the worse as I drove down the road, which wasn’t so bad, but then a tree fell on my car.

    Nothing like driving 35 or 40 down a narrow road next to a river and all of a sudden there’s a tree on your hood.

    I got out of the car, and the car behind me just stopped and the guy stared at me as I tried to pull the tree to the side of the road.

    I kept rolling it into the ditch, but it would just roll right back out of it and into the road. Needless to say, as soon as I cleared the far lane the guy behind me zoomed around and took off. Somebody came from the other direction and started to get out to help just as I figured out how to get the tree to stop rolling back up onto the road, but it was nice he didn’t just zoom around me as I was trying to clear the road.

    No damage to the car, I was only about 30 minutes late, and pretty much as soon as I got there the weather cleared and it was a beautiful clear night for the rest of the evening.

    Of course, I was covered in twigs, leaves and mud…

  • Ren September 11, 2009, 7:49 am

    I was about 4 years old and playing in the backyard. I grew bored of my toys, so I looked around for some new fun. Spying a chunk of cinderblock in the corner of the yard, I wandered over to where it was lying at the bottom of the 6-foot cedar fence that ringed our yard.

    For whatever reason, my sensitivities were suddenly offended by this 3-pound block of concrete. Grabbing it with both grubby little hands, I hefted it straight up and over my head, towards the top of the privacy fence. At my tender age, I was completely unaware of Newton and his pesky Law of Gravity, so imagine my surprise when the block quickly stopped its upward motion and began its return trip to earth only to be intercepted by my head.

    Good thing our next-door neighbor was a doctor.

  • Casey September 11, 2009, 7:58 am

    I once thought it would be funny to hop onto the hood of my friends car in a empty parking lot. My firend thought it would be funny to throw the car into reverse and take off with me on the hood.

    About a minute later we were both proven wrong. I still have some good scars from that one. 🙂

  • Rosie September 11, 2009, 8:39 am

    One day, my cousins and I were playing “The Arsenio Hall Show.” I was the guest and my cousin was Arsenio. As I came out to take my place on the couch, I excitedly plopped down and just as quickly jumped back up . . . with a pair of scissors sticking out of my bum. Now, nearly twenty years later, we can’t get through a day together without someone telling that story. Good times, good times.

  • Matt September 11, 2009, 9:39 am

    I tried to check-in online for a flight. When the website responded that it was too late to check-in online I realized that my flight was an hour earlier than I had previously thought. I had less than an hour to make my flight. I wasn’t dressed yet and I live 45 minutes away from the airport (when no traffic). After breaking several traffic laws I had to park in short term parking because I had less than 10 minutes left. As I checked-in I told them to hold the plane. They had me remove my shoes and belt at the security stop. With 3 minutes left I did not have time to put on my belt or tie my shoes.
    I was sprinting down the airport corridor pulling one bag on wheels that was rocking left and right, holding another bag that kept slipping off my shoulder, and trying to hold up my pants that had too big of a waist.
    By the time I reached the final stretch I was completely out of breath and I was running with my pants down about mid thigh. The stewardess was waiting for me at the door laughing. She was kind enough to allow me to pull up my pants and put my belt on before sitting down. I wore a long sleeved dress shirt that day, so I have no idea how much I revealed that day.

    • Josh Hanagarne September 11, 2009, 12:52 pm

      Everyone, this has been awesome so far. Thanks for sharing. I’m stuck in meetings until tonight but will able to respond to comments later. Be brave!

  • Sami - Life, Laughs & Lemmings September 11, 2009, 3:30 pm

    Seriously Josh, how the hell have you survived this long? The Seinfeld writers would have a field day if they got hold of this post.

    My story? There are so many. Hmm, which to choose? OK, how about this one; One day at our local Pony Club, I challenged my sister to a barrel race. Then of course proceeded to make it well known how badly she was going to lose.

    I went first, galloped flat chat to the first barrel, stirrup leather snapped and I ended up on my arse in the dust. Even my horse was amused. I considered pretending I was dead but the groaning gave it away. Damn you karma!

  • lori September 11, 2009, 4:22 pm

    I love reading all these stories here today!
    Great idea, Josh!

    There are so many…hmmm…hmmm…
    My friend used to be a squirrel hunter (and eater). She eventually forced me to take a “dressed” squirrel to try.
    I made it for my former mate in a crock pot with mushroom soup (doesn’t that make everything taste good?), but told him it was just a very small chicken in soup.
    Needless to say, he was not amused.
    “Why are the bones so small and weird looking?”
    It was as greasy and gamey as all get out.
    He eventually got it out of me that I had cooked him a squirrel. The dinner had to go into the waste bucket.
    We broke up soon after.

  • Gayze September 11, 2009, 4:29 pm

    I nearly choked on my pasta figiole over heating up the iron….

    I was twelve. In other words, old enough to know better. I decided to show off for my little cousin, who had more brains than I did, apparently as she wouldn’t try it first. I unhooked the swing chains from her swing set, grabbed the top bar, and swung myself up backwards to hang by my knees.

    In the effort to impress a six year old, I forgot about my fear of heights.

    Once up there, I froze, and could not make my brain work to figure out how to get down. The fact that gravity was rushing all the blood into my face might have helped that issue.

    It wasn’t a problem for long, though … it’s impossible to hang by the knees from a swing set top bar once one has passed out.

    How I came out of it uninjured, I shall never know.

    (Back to read the comments again, I soooo needed the laugh today!)

    • Josh Hanagarne September 11, 2009, 5:53 pm

      @Gayze: what an awesome story. That is a video I would love to see.

      @Lori: I’ve never tried a squirrel, but I wouldn’t have left you over it. Maybe.

      @Sami: You caught me. I haven’t survived this long. I’m a ghost. That’s why I’m able to write so much. I never sleep.

      @Matt, thank you. That’s the hardest I’ve laughed in a while.

      @Rosie: How did you play Arsenio Hall? Was it just playing talk show? Ouch!

      @Casey: Ah, the things that make sense to friends. I want to hear about those scars.

      @Ren: I don’t know how any children survive. I watch Max do something like that every single day.

      @Blaine: Twigs, mud and leaves. Hard to be dignified in that situation, but if anyone could manage it, I’m sure it was you.

      @Beth: All right! That’s two fainting stories today, but you win the fainting by flute award. Oh, that’s too good.

      @Robby G: See, this is what I mean when people say “I don’t have anything to write about.” Of course you do, provided you’re willing to tell everyone you’ve been caught whizzing in inopportune places.

      @Ayelet: Are you supposed to eat the seeds?

      @Laura: Oh, what a fashion faux pas. I bet they’re laughing about you in the next world.

      @Gordie: I decline the three-month scratch fest. I believe you.

  • Girlwithnoname (Jackie) September 11, 2009, 6:58 pm

    HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!!! OMG EVERYONE!! That was great, I sat here giggling for way more time than I actually have to kill in this day…!! thanks for a great laugh…

    umm…. I can’t think of any of my own off the top of my head but having grown up on a farm, I’m sure there must be some… maybe I’ve blocked my childhood. Does getting stabbed in the eyebrow by my dad who was shoveling manure and didn’t see me coming up behind him count? I almost lost my eye, and had to endure many more “stabbings” in the form of tetanus shots and stitches, all the while screaming my head off making everyone in the waiting room think I was being murdered (I was about 10yrs old). HA! see why I might have blocked all the other ones out?

    my main reason for commenting tho, is because Josh, you said you’d elaborate ‘upon request’… so I’m requesting. How about the long version of EACH story, one per post, til you’ve used them up? I’ll bet they’ll be a fun read.

    thanks
    J

  • Daisy September 11, 2009, 7:39 pm

    Do you watch Jeopardy? I was laughing out loud at the blooper bit of Alex Trebek coming onstage without his pants to help lighten up the champions in the final round. Yours aren’t documented on video, but they’re every bit as funny!

  • Josh Hanagarne September 11, 2009, 9:00 pm

    Jackie, I’ll start working on it. Crap. I hope nobody would actually ask. You got it!

  • Josh Hanagarne September 11, 2009, 9:02 pm

    Daisy, I never heard of that, even though I love Jeopardy. I’m going to check it out.

  • Megan Horton September 11, 2009, 9:52 pm

    Ahh the memories…You’ve had some great moments in history. These were just a sampling. I like the Marigold story best. I don’t think I’d heard the doc Marten story for some reason.

    • Josh Hanagarne September 12, 2009, 7:02 am

      Megan, the Doc story is fairly recent. It’s possible that you’re the only person in the world who never heard it.

  • Gayze September 12, 2009, 10:59 am

    Josh, fortunately for me, the swingset faux pas happened long before the days of digital video. LOL

    So did scraping my face off in a bike accident, and the time I wound up in the ER because a cow jumped in my lap and breaking my hand on a vet table while trying to keep a dog who was too dumb to know he was hurt from bleeding to death, and having a chihuahua dangling by its teeth from my crotch, and….

    Uh. Maybe I should stop.

  • Suzannah-Write It Sideways September 12, 2009, 3:45 pm

    Hilarious. A true storyteller. Thank you.

    • Josh Hanagarne September 12, 2009, 5:15 pm

      Suzannah, no…thank you. For not pointing out that I should be dead, that I’m not super-sexy, and that idiot-genius has about 7 typos in it.

  • Tumblemoose September 13, 2009, 10:33 pm

    Josh,

    Oh. My. God. I’m starting a fund, brother.

    We need to get you on America’s Got Talent or something.

    Ok, I worked for the Trans Alaska Pipeline for a while. I was security/medic and my post was the guard shack at the entrance to the construction camp. I had to go outside and greet every vehicle and whenever you were outside, you had to wear a hardhat. I eventually developed a routine. I’d grab my clipboard, don my hardhat and head out the door.

    Soooo, one day a truck approached the camp. I stood up, grabbed my hardhat and hit myself over the head with the clipboard.

    So there.

    George