I thought today might be the day I got some topless photos of myself on the blog, but I dropped my camera in a urinal while foiling a robbery. Long story…
So until I get a new camera, I thought I’d lay it all on the line for you in a steamy tell-all. For your voyeuristic, deviant delight, here are some brief stories of my greatest achievements (prior to stopping the robbery).
Upon request, I will elaborate on each story in further posts.
1. Pass the marigolds, please
A little boy with a big head and a bigger imagination sat on his mother’s lap as she read Mr. Gopher. Mr. Gopher liked to eat Marigolds. The boy’s mother had a marigold garden. The nice doctors in the ER had a fine time picking the long, painful, delicious, fragrant seeds out of young Josh’s throat. The lesson? Never read stories to children.
2. The cloven head
I went chopping wood for the winter with my father. My job was to chop dead twigs off the trees for kindling. Some of the twigs were more alive than they appeared–and more springy. My double-bladed hatchet rebounded off one and flew straight into my scalp. I have an awesome axe scar in my head. Read more in Two Super-Awesome Stories About Scars.
3. Dangling by the Doc
Do not practice handstand pushups while wearing Doc Martens. The loop on the back of my boot draped over the hinge of a door at work. When my arms gave out, I was trapped, hanging upside down from the door of our meeting room. I was able to curl all the way up and unlace myself, then promptly fell out of my boot. After regaining consciousness moments later, I heard the sweet sounds of my happy staff arriving for work. Nobody had to know, but it was too good of a story to hoard. I believe the boot is still hanging from that door.
4. The fastest tire change in history
As a gawky but lusty lad, I didn’t date as often as I’d like, so when I did trick someone into going out with me, I needed everything to be perfect, including my punctuality. No! No! A flat tire threatened to derail my plans and thwart my hormones. I changed the tire quicker than anyone ever has, then jumped into the car only to find…I had changed a perfectly good tire and put the spare on. The flat tire was still flat. I got no lovin’ that night.
5. The fine line between electric razors and toothbrushes
If you are going to use them both, just use them one at a time. Having a razor in one hand and a toothbrush in the other was a poor decision that early in the morning. A shocking, shredding wake up call.
6. In the closet (not a metaphor)
In the middle of the night, I needed to pee so bad I started crying, but I couldn’t find the doorknob. When an exasperated family member finally turned on the light and said “What are you doing?” I realized I was trying to get out of my bedroom–through the back of the closet.
7. Cooking while the iron’s hot
My mother didn’t take our home economic schooling seriously enough. She asked me to heat up the iron so she could iron our clothes. I got the iron, placed it on the stove, and turned the stove on. My mother came in and we looked at each other for what felt like a very long time.
8. The old switcharoo or…under the covers
I checked out Stephen King’s Misery from the bookmobile when I was young. My mom read it and said “You’re not reading any more Stephen King.” Two weeks later I checked out two books: Stephen King’s The Tommyknockers and Piers Anthony’s harmless young adult fantasy tale, The Color Of Her Panties. I slipped Panties over the cover of The Tommyknockers and congratulated myself on my cunning. I would fool her yet!
“You’re not reading any more Piers Anthony, either,” she said.
9. Rotator cuff trouble
While rehabbing a shoulder injury, I found extremely hot muscle-rub creams to be a wonderful help–when used on my shoulder. One day after jumping out of the shower, I put the cream on my hands, rubbed my shoulder, got a bad itch downtown, and wound up scratching frantically at my crotch before realizing that my hands were covered in scented lava. It was a difficult day.
10. Look out below! (I’m actually pretty happy about this one)
My tics were really bad (noisy) right before a university lecture on Frankenstein. Before the teacher arrived, the student in front of me insisted that I change seats or “shut up.” I grabbed his textbooks and threw them out the window. We were up on the second floor. The teacher scolded anyone who had come unprepared. But those of us who had our books were fine.
And that, my friends, is how you bare your soul for the greater good.
I will gladly suffer any indignity if it gives me a great story to tell. It’s always worth it.
Now it’s your turn. I know you have some stories. Aren’t my ten at least one of yours?
PS: Did you get a free guest post from me yet?
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