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“Too Tall To Be Gay” and Other Things Overheard At The Library

Associates, it is my pleasure/displeasure to inform you of a few things I have heard at work recently while manning the reference desk. I have a google doc of these stories that has something like 200,000 words at this point, with each story only getting 100 words or so. So, whenever possible, these stories come to you verbatim. Most of them will sound like hyperbole, but as anyone who works here knows, they still fall squarely in the realm of understatement.

Okay:

Quote 

“You’re too tall to be gay.”

“I’m not gay.”

“Yeah right, man.”

Evaluation 

I’ve checked with some friends who assure me that, even if I was gay, I’m not too tall. Some have even been so brazen to suggest that being tall is infrequently not repellent.

Quote

“How wet can my cough get before I have to leave?” (coughs as a demonstration, hoping for reassurance of an appropriate level of dryness”

Evaluation

Hard to say. If you have to ask, you may not be ready for the answer.

Quote

“I’m supposed to meet a prostitute here. Where do they usually wait?”

Evaluation

They usually wait in a big corral of prostitutes over by the drinking fountain. Duh.

Quote

“You work here?”

“Yep. I’m Josh. What’s your name?”

“Oh hell no, I’m not into all that. Hey, you got any bike locks?”

Evaluation

Don’t ask people what their names are. Carry multiple bike locks at all times to placate the lockless.

Quote

“You into green absinthe, tall man?”

“Not really.”

“What about…” opens fly and pulls out a crumpled piece of paper, “…foreign CURRENCY?” He then slapped the back of whatever this foreign bill was.

“I guess.”

“Tough audience.” Tucks dirty foreign bank note back into open fly.

Evaluation

……..

Quote 

“Can any of the librarians put in my contact lenses for me?”

Evaluation

………………!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Quote

“I have Donald Trump’s direct phone number. We’re in constant contact. But I can’t find the EPA’s number and he won’t give it to me. What should I do?”

Evaluation

The EPA has several hotlines. I’m not sure why he won’t give them to you.

Quote

“I’m getting texts from Jesus–as in Christ–what should I say?”

Evaluation

Say Merry Christmas.

In summary, I could go on for a lot longer. I wish I couldn’t.

Josh

PS: Thank you all for buying The Dreams of John Weaver yesterday at launch. It did really well in its categories. You are appreciated!

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