Yesterday I went to the ABC 4 studio for an interview. I was quickly ushered into the green room. The green room wasn’t green at all. I had no idea if green meant something else, besides the color, so I did some cursory research. The origins of the green room are shrouded in mysteries every bit as arcane as anything those wacky Rosicrucians get up to.
After sitting in there for a few minutes, wondering why nothing was green–actually, no there was a green plant and a throw pillow–an employee took me into the studio.
The lights were really bright and the anchors were impossibly good looking. It’s a very strange thing to see people so attractive that they look like they are generated by computers, except they’re sitting right in front of you. Yeah yeah, some of it is TV makeup, but these were seriously gorgeous people. I felt every bit the ogre. Scarred face. Clumsy. Clumsy. Bent and broken teeth. Kind of like this:
“Did you bring a copy of your book?” asked Nadia, the lovely person who would interview me.
“Uh, no…” I said. “But I brought a copy of Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas.” Twas true, and it was what I had used to calm my nerves after the visual and mental discord of the green room.
“Oh, well, I’ve got one of your books.”
I sat in the interview chair. I got to watch them cover a stabbing, West Nile Virus, and then Nadia hurried over and sat next to me.
“I am the news,” I thought. “They haven’t even mentioned Bradley Manning. I’m such an OG.”
“How do you say your name?” she said.
“Hanagarne,” I said. “Four syllables. Knee on the end. Emphasis on first syllable. You’ll get it wrong, don’t worry.”
“No I won’t,” she said, and she practiced.
As you’ll see if you watch the video, I was introduced as Josh Hannygranny. So great. She bounced back, however, and conducted a great interview. It was intercut with footage from the library. One viewer described the footage as “Haunted” which made me laugh hysterically. It’s sort of true. Most of the footage–according to others–shows people who look like they’ve been sentenced to be at the library forever. Patrons and staff.
You can watch the interview here. I haven’t watched it and won’t. However, I will tell you this. After watching the video I have been told:
- Your neck is exceedingly thick
- Your voice is quite manly
- Everyone wants to “Oprah you” which was said salaciously with waggling eyebrows as if this is some euphemism I’m supposed to understand
- You sure are bald
- You look like a dinosaur next to her
Anyway. When this high octane interview concluded, I wafted out of there astride my sense of self satisfaction. So into me was I that I walked right into the women’s restroom. I quickly saw that there was a shapely leg with a high heel under one of the stall doors. And now it occurs to me that I have no idea where the other leg was…
I left with a quickness.
When I got home I took my guitar into the back yard. Our neighbors dachsunds were looking at me through the fence. I played a rendition of These Arms Of Mine that was both searing and soaring, and yet, those lengthy bozos decided that it was time to just go berserk. Philistines. But they heard the whole song, and more from Otis Redding. It’s the only way they’ll learn.
A good day overall.