When I announced that Atreyu from The Neverending Story had agreed to be interviewed here on the blog, the questions literally did not pour in–but there were three. So below, I asked him those three questions, and a couple of my own.
Josh: Atreyu, thank you for joining us.
Atreyu: You’re welcome (tosses shiny hair). You should be very grateful.
J: Well then, let’s get to it. Our first question comes from someone in Mississippi who simply gave the name “Flamethrower.” Flamethrower asks: Atreyu, when you first show up and the black guy with the pointy head laughs at you because you’re just a kid, but then he asks you to save Fantasia, and that everything depends on you, and that, like, if you don’t succeed the entire world will die and the Childlike Empress will die and everything…
A:–I’m sorry, is there a question in there?
J: Flamethrower’s question is: “How’d you get your hair so shiny in that scene? It seriously gleamed. Thanks so much.”
A: Next question.
J: You’re not going to answer?
A: I don’t work in makeup or costumes. You’d have to ask them.
J: So…you were wearing makeup? What was that like?
A: Next question. Next!
J: Okay, this one comes to us from “Headlock” in New Mexico. “Yeah, Atreyu, I just wanted to ask about the first scene where Bastian runs into the old bookstore to hide from the bullies. And the old guy is in there with the book and I just noticed last time I watched it that the guy in the bookstore looks a lot like my grandpa. Did you notice that?”
A: I’m not in that scene.
J: But surely you’ll concede that it looks like my grandpa. One of them.
An icy silence.
J: Hmm…let’s take a phone call.
We look at my phone for three minutes. It fails to ring even once.
J: Okay then, our final question comes to us from Juan Ton in Perth. Hmm…I had no idea I had any readers in Australia. Do you think that’s a real name? Juan Ton?
A: (sniffs. mumbles what sounds a lot like ‘it’s a better name than Josh’) Look, are all of your readers this stupid?
J: Now hold on there, Atreyu. Just because–
A: I’m starting to wonder if you even have any readers.
J: Okay, I’ll admit that I made up these three questions to ask you. Well, the two I’ve asked and the one I’m about to. But is it my fault that I told everyone they could ask you anything they wanted and nobody had any questions for you? Perhaps you’re just not that interesting. Or perhaps when people think of you all they can hear is that snooty little voice saying Well, I guess I’ll be happy to go back to hunting the purple buffalo, before you turn around and abandon the black guy with the pointy head?
J: I am going to ask this question because I actually want to know. After your little horsie Artex dies in the Swamps of Sadness–your shrill little scream at the end failed to move or convince me, by the way–and then you’re sitting there in the mud sobbing, why don’t you sink as well? Didn’t the horse sink because “he let the sadness of the swamps get to him?”
A: mumbles something
J: Sorry, what?
A: looks up. I said, it was in the script! I didn’t sink because the script didn’t say I was going to sink. It said I was going to have to slop around in the mud until that dumb dragon with the annoying voice and the big dumb eyes showed up!
J: Okay, you’re obviously getting overstimulated, so we’re going to cut this short. Actually, you know what? We won’t be cutting it short because I’ve already asked you all three of the questions that nobody asked.
A: I was a hero! You weren’t there! Do you have any idea how afraid it was to stare up at those stone Sphinxes?
J: Scarier than that turtle, are you kidding? I used to see Morla in my nightmares as a kid.
A: The Sphinxes were scarier.
J: I saw how hard it was for you to take your eyes off of their breasts, that’s what I saw.
A: Well…yes. I was young.
J: Fair enough. How do you feel when people tell you the book is way, way, way, way better than the movie?
J: Oh, you didn’t know? Well then, off you go. Take your pretty hair with you.
A: You’ll never have your hair again. You’ll always be balding, or bald. You know that, right?
J: Yeah. Yeah, I know. But you’re only what, ten? You’ll see. Unless this interview rattles you so badly that you finally sink into the swamps, as you should have, long ago. Also, the theme song is incredibly annoying.