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No Sex in Utah!


Utah - no sex zone

The following may or may not have happened to a librarian named Josh.

When she approached the desk, he had no idea what she would ask.

“Yeah, so,” she began, “I know this is Utah and so this is probably a stupid question since there can’t be any books about sex in Utah, even at a place like Barnes and Noble, but I guess I thought I’d ask, even though I know that this is Utah, so–”

“People do it in Utah,” he said. “Have sex, I mean.”

The last thing he expected her to do was roll her eyes in disbelief, but there it was. Roll roll roll.

“I guess, maybe,” she said. “But not like in California.”

“Oh? How do they do it out there? Is it…quite different?” He was intrigued. Perhaps Cosmo magazine was not lying each month when its covers trumpeted the discovery of 99 new sexual positions. They all came from California.

“Oh, you don’t want to know,” she said. “I don’t even want to say it. Not in Utah.”

She had no idea what a deviant he was, but he decided it would be imprudent to enlighten her with an impromptu display of prurience-gone-mad. Mad!

“So would you like to see the sex slash intimacy books that we have?”

“Like you have any.” She snorted.

He snorted to. She repeated her snort, as did he; she had no choice to admit that he was snorting with greater disdain than she.

He took her to the shelves, which bowed under the weight of various Kama Sutra books and tomes that all boiled down to what goes where.

She was confounded. “I thought this was Utah!”

That night when he got home his wife had laid a trap for for him. A trail of Cheese Pringles led to the bedroom, where he knew a lusty tigress was waiting in ambush. She apparently had no idea that she was in Utah, so he let myself back out of the house, sat in the truck listening to an audiobook of A Prayer for Owen Meany, and tried to figure out how to tell her that they had to move.

If you have the courage to fight back the system and do it in Utah, please subscribe to the RSS feed.

Comments on this entry are closed.

  • Amy February 16, 2012, 12:44 pm

    I guess she would be surprised to learn that when I lived in Utah in 1991, I was 11. I checked out a book from the youth section called Steffie Can’t Come Out and Play. It inspired me to write a paper about wanting to be a prostitute when I grew up for my Math class when my teacher told us we’d have to write a paper about what we wanted to be and how we’d use math in our occupation…Yeah he didn’t appreciate my paper and made me rewrite it. My revised paper I wrote about wanting to work at McDonald’s and I’d use math to know if you wanted 2 big macs or 3.

  • Todd February 17, 2012, 7:29 am

    You mean that Utah doesn’t just keep importing new population every year? Huh! I’m envisioning a young lady, perhaps a freshman in college, away from home for the first time.

  • Heather February 17, 2012, 12:03 pm

    @Amy–I read that book when I was in 5th or 6th grade! My mother was appalled! I checked that book out sooooooooooo many times! It took me a minute, but yes, I can see where a prostitute could use math skills, especially if she went pimp-free.

  • Spencer February 17, 2012, 12:53 pm

    This post inspires jealousies, on numerous levels.

    • Josh Hanagarne February 17, 2012, 1:58 pm

      Spencer, you are a loathsome sub-creature. Go put your nose in the corner.

      • Spencer February 19, 2012, 12:55 pm

        I’m going. With my dunce cap.

  • Nikki February 18, 2012, 11:04 pm

    You had me at cheese pringles…

  • Rachel February 21, 2012, 3:57 pm

    There’s probably some secret group in Utah that sends over all the good stuff to CA once a month or so…

    Just wandered over here from a post you wrote on Copyblogger a long while back.