≡ Menu

Secrets of a High-Maintenance Woman

I know what you’re thinking…”What business does this mirror-kissing, solipsistic, mucky hog of a male, with his bent glasses and broken teeth, have giving me advice about being a high-maintenance woman?”

Take a breath. I know plenty. And I know it because I spent a good part of my day yesterday studying this textbook:


Secrets of a High-Maintenance Woman by Jula Jane

I’m going to be reading it for a college class. Probably. Someday. Maybe at the University of Phoenix.

I have a confession to make. I’m not a woman.

I do suspect, however, that several of you readers are. So, just in case your dream is to date millionaire playboys and one day appear on a book cover with your book juuuuuuust starting to drop open beneath the weight of your glamor, someone has got your back.

Her name is Jula Jane.

From the throbbing, pulse-racifying ad copy:

Jane is all about having a perfectly designed and maintained physical appearance, including hair style, makeup, clothing, and body fitness. (I’m all about perfect hair style too–next time you’re at the barber, ask for the 34 year old balding male. It’s perfect).

If you thought high-maintenance women had to put out, then Jane’s book will set you straight. (Phew!)

While Jane will casually date several men at a time (with the knowledge of all involved parties…Well, I declare!)

Dirty Girl is a very graphic chapter of the book, so if you are easily shocked, be prepared (How should I prepare? What am I supposed to do?)

Thank me later. If, based on Jula’s and my own own advice, you snag a billionaire jewel thief, please send me some of his loot so I can buy more protein and one of those strongman logs.


Comments on this entry are closed.

  • Spencer January 20, 2012, 12:09 pm

    lol re: “(Phew!)”

    LOL re: “(How should I prepare? What am I supposed to do?)”

    Also, the logician in me wonders how the authenticity of the “Phew!” premise could jive with the promised shocking contents of the “How should I prepare?” chapter.

    And I’m with you; how does one prepare for graphic shock? Should I be trying to desensitize myself through mass exposure to similar material, or purifying myself so that the subsequent sullying does not ruin me completely?

    Confessions of a Master Jewel Thief by Bill Mason is one of the best, most entertaining books I have ever read.