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Coming Soon! Certified Zombie Strength and Conditioning Specialist Certification Challenge, or “CZSCSCC”

Boris Bachmann RKC

Boris Bachmann, Zombie Activist

Guest post by Boris Bachmann, who has seen his share of shrill advertising. And zombies.

Life’s No Fair To Zombies
Get Rich AND Help Them Even The Odds
with Strength & Conditioning!

The creators of Squat Rx will soon be offering a new certification
– the “Certified Zombie Strength and Conditioning Specialist
Certification Challenge”, or “CZSCSCC” (for short).

Unlike other programs and certifications that promise to prepare
you to defend yourself against the inevitable zombie apocalypse,
the CZSCSCC will put you in the driver’s seat and make you THE
trainer sought after by BOTH the living and the undead. With the
skills learned at the CZSCSCC you will be officially certified to
train zombies in and out of the weight room to be stronger, faster,
and happier killing machines.

Jillian-Michaels-Biggest-Loser

Jillian may be hot-stuff on "The Biggest Loser", but CZSCSCCs will be the biggest winners when zombies come to town

This untapped niche market possesses earnings only limited by
your imagination and local zombie population, which can only
grow over the future decades.

Our five-day certification will focus on reverse-engineering what the best,most successful brain-eaters
do instinctively, and how those qualities can be trained into even the meekest and most feeble zombie BY YOU.

Make no mistake, this will NOT be a paper-tiger certification. The
successful candidate must demonstrate the physical prowess and
cool nerves of a Navy SEAL, the cunning of a Geek Squad Crew,
and the teaching and people skills of a Dale Carnegie to pass our
stringent requirements.

thriller zombies

Think how good their moves would have been if Michael had had the CZSCSCC...

What You’ll Learn

  • Which five exercises are indispensible for your zombie-clients to outrun their victims and outeat their rivals…
  • Which of your zombie clients need foam rollers, and which need baseball bats…
  • Which supplements will help your clients… and which will put them BACK in the grave…
  • How to screen and treat mobility dysfunction unique to many zombies…
  • How zombie-stereotyping may be crippling your efforts at effective programming…
  • How to improve VO2Max in clients who don’t respirate…
  • How to properly spot and cue a zombie WITHOUT GETTING YOUR BRAIN EATEN…
  • How to “bullet-proof” your zombies’ weakness and enhance their latent supernatural strength…
  • How to turn a slow-moving “Night Of The Living Dead” zombie into a light-footed “28 Days Later” zombie…
  • Why kipping pull-ups may reduce shoulder integrity in undead shoulders…
  • Why zombies hate the Turkish Get-Up and how to help them get-UP to get-down…
  • Why sleepy glutes may be the second-death of your zombie-clientele…
  • What shoes are best for the tactical zombie…
  • What tough-love means to a zombie (and how to administer it without infection)…

ALL THIS AND MUNCH, MUNCH, MUNCH MORE!!!!!!!!

Resident Evil 4 Leon

This zombie would still be enjoying brain… if only he had been trained by a CZSCSCC!

As an added bonus, upon successfully passing the Certified
Zombie Strength and Conditioning Specialist Certification
Challenge, instructors will receive FREE:

  • THE ZOMBIE MARKETING HANDBOOK – detailing howto make the most off of your zombie-clients’ estates. (Comes handsomely bound with Bostitch-brand staples!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
  • The opportunity to buy an instructional seminar DVD starring you at a fraction of the certification price!
  • Two Dixon Ticonderoga #2 pencils!
  • CZSCSCC golf shirts @ reduced prices (10% off)!

Space is limited, so REGISTER NOW! Early bird registrants will
receive 50% off of the rock-bottom, dirt-cheap fee of $10,000. Act
now… they’re coming.

About the author

Boris Bachmann is a high school teacher, swim coach, and strength and conditioning coach and consultant. He has taught and coached competitive swimming, Tae Kwon Do, powerlifting, and kettlebells. You can visit him at Squat RX.

Comments on this entry are closed.

  • Eric | Eden Journal June 21, 2011, 8:41 am

    Josh, I have a feeling that your guest, Boris, may in fact work for The Umbrella Corporation. His work as a high school teacher and all that other jazz is simply a cover. While the reduced cost golf shirts do make this a very tempting offer, I’m going to pass and take sides with those fighting against the zombie uprising.

    By the way, have you seen the movie “Fido.” It’s one of my favorite zombie flicks.

  • Gustavo| Frugal Science June 21, 2011, 9:29 am

    There are lots of zombies in the eastern part of South America and the Caribbean but, not much of them around here, at the Pacific coast. You can spot some of them sometimes but only on specific seminars or soccer matches.

    Mummies, on the other hand, have become a thriving community around lately, especially encouraged by this entire 2012 world end media campaign, Inca’s mummies communities are becoming a promising target.

    If your zombie techniques can be applied to mummies as well, I could be interested.

    Anchimayen coming from Chile are also a potential niche.

  • Heather June 21, 2011, 11:19 am

    So has Bruce Campbell signed on yet? Does certification negate the need for a boom-stick?

  • Boris Bachmann June 21, 2011, 3:10 pm

    Eric,
    Umbrella may be a potential employer of future CZSCSCCs!

    Gustavo,
    The CMSCSCC is separate from the CZSCSCC, but there is a lot of overlap.

    Heather,
    Boom-sticks are always good to have, but not so good for improving the skills of your clientele.

    Thanks for the comments everyone!

  • Niel June 21, 2011, 10:24 pm

    With that many letters, who can resist?!

  • Boris Bachmann June 21, 2011, 11:21 pm

    Thanks Niel! I figured the more, the better.

  • Peter June 22, 2011, 6:21 pm

    50% off and two pencils? Sounds like a great deal, I better act now!

    🙂

    • Josh Hanagarne June 22, 2011, 6:57 pm

      Peter, it’s not act now, it’s ACT NOW!!!!!!

  • Boris Bachmann June 22, 2011, 8:45 pm

    I forgot to mention that if you ACT NOW, not only will you receive two #2 Dixon Ticonderogas, but ALSO two #2 Mirado Black Warriors – the perfect tactical pencil for zombie S&C trainers.