Yesterday in the library a man told me “If you are going to walk around honking like a royal swan (a bizarre phrase that was the only silver lining) you don’t belong in this library.”
He was rude. I was mad. I embarrassed him and embarrassed myself as well, while pretending it was funny.
The realization that one might not actually know what one is talking about is uncomfortable. To step onto a path that was supposed to be familiar and realize that you have no idea where you are.
This month I have suffered a massive change of direction that I’ve no doubt I will be able to turn into a strength one day; to look back and say “That was a period of worthwhile instruction.”
Today is not that day.
Today I’m simply upset at how easy it is to overestimate my own intelligence, to say I know things I don’t, to step closer and closer to the edge of being brought low, while assuming that the worst is behind me.
Nothing changes the fact that I have made enormous strides in treating my own Tourette’s Syndrome.
Nothing changes the fact that I went for one full month without even the slightest tic to speak of.
Nothing changes the fact that the story has inspired many, for which I am grateful.
Nothing changes the fact that I chose to prematurely and imprecisely use the word “cured.”
And unfortunately for your twitchy librarian, nothing changes the fact that this past week has seen some of the most horrible tics of my life, and I have been put in more pain that I have memory of at any other time.
I can’t lift. I’m having trouble eating. Typing is an effort. Breathing is a chore.
This all annoys me.
I’ll fix it. I’m always able to work it out. My mental faculties are relatively unaffected, but my body is a mess.
It is time to ask more questions.
For anyone who has looked to me for answers with your own movement disorder, I still believe in the premises I have laid out. But they are obviously just fragments of a larger solution which I can only glimpse the edges of. Otherwise, I’d already be feeling better.
There is more and I’m going to find it. Or I will exhaust all options in the process of trying.
I’m sorry if this news discourages any of you with Tourette’s or brings you down. But I’d rather be honest with you than pretend things are great right now. Maybe they will be tomorrow, but it’s been a hellish seven days.
I am going to rededicate myself to study and research. There is some encouraging study coming out of Yale and UCLA. Sharing the worthwhile work of others is largely what I will now be doing as I continue the How To Have Tourette’s series.
Thanks for the support and patience. I am truly sorry if I have misled any of you.