I have let moving pixels on glowing screens dictate large amounts of my life. I’m okay with that, particularly when I look back at all the knowledge I have gleaned in the process.
I humbly present to you a brief summary of some lessons I have learned from video games. Apply them and you will have a better chance at succeeding in life.
- Fighting crime is largely a matter of wardrobe. I suggest putting on suspenders over your shirtless torso, and leaving one strap unbuttoned. Don’t worry if the strap changes sides depending on which way you’re facing. See: Final Fight.
- A healthy universe is impossible when an insecure bodybuilding tyrant is controlling the intergalactic protein pipeline. See: Cho Aniki.
- Feeling unhealthy? Eat some pot roast off the ground. See: Hobo With A Shotgun
- Pockets are unnecessary. See: Pitfall! and every game ever.
- The story can be good without being linear. See: Metroid
- There’s a pill for everything. See: Bloody Wolf and the “muscle emphasis tablets”
- There is no way to take a giant blue bear seriously, even if it can freeze ants with its breath. See: Altered Beast
- No chalice is used for good. They’re always cursed. See: Haunted House
- Nuclear war is a terrible thing. See: Missile Command and Fallout 3
- Every song can wear out it’s welcome. See: Smurfs
- Cats are a huge hassle. See Legend of the Mystical Ninja
- If you get into bed with Aphrodite, she’s going to expect a lot of you. See: God of War 3
- There is nothing sassier than a smoking monkey in a diaper. See: Metal Gear Solid 4: Sons of the Patriots
- Want the girl? Save her life. See: Golgo 13
- The biggest gun isn’t always the best. Choose the right tool for the job See: Goldeneye
- Big heads make you jump higher. See: NBA Jam
- Ayn Rand will turn you into an idiot. See: Bioshock
- It is impossible to duck while on a bank of snow. You will fall through. See: Kid Icarus
- Jumping is overrated. See Bionic Commando
- Just because you got into your suit of armor doesn’t mean that it can’t be taken by the first annoying bird that bumps into you. See: Ghosts and Goblins
- Your brother will probably kidnap your girlfriend. You better kidnap his first. See: Double Dragon
- Kangaroos are fearsome boxers. Tread lightly. See: Streets of Rage 3
- If you’re not traveling by swinging on a whip, you’re lame. See: Castlevania
- Parties are never fun. See: Mario Party 1-infinity
- It is possible to be flawless. See: Mortal Kombat
- Flying to the moon is best done inside of a whale. See: Final Fantasy 2.
- Words should never be spoken when they can be growled or rasped. See: inFamous
- You can put on 10 lbs of muscle in about two minutes if you do it right. See: Grand Theft Auto games
- There’s no way around it: some music really sucks. See: Dance Dance Revolution
- 99 out of 100 fighter planes crash while trying to land on aircraft carriers. See: Top Gun
- Dealing with bullies is simple. Just jump three times on their head. Their eyes will turn to Xs and they will fall out of sight. See: Super Mario Brothers and its sequels
- Fog will eventually kill us all. See: Silent Hill.
- Red barrels only have one function: to explode and kills zombies. See: Resident Evil games.
- Russia creates the most persistent earworms. See: Tetris
- If you attempt to scale a mountain, a bird will knock you off. See: Ninja Gaiden
- Aliens really don’t look that scary. See: Space Invaders
- That bush you’re standing next to probably has a dungeon labyrinth underneath it. See: The Legend of Zelda
- Double jumping is the solution to many of life’s problems. See: God of War games and Super Ghouls and Ghosts
- Dwarves are more useful than barbarians. See: Golden Axe
- Follow the herd at your peril. See: Lemmings
- Expand your skill set. Only being good at one thing is extremely limiting when you are suddenly traveling through time. See: The Lost Vikings
I bet I could do this for a month, but I’ll stop there for now. Feel free to add to the list.
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